Michael Jackson: Today's Thomas Edison?

In 1987 Michael Jackson invented anti-gravity, flying in the face of the scientific world. In 1993 his invention was successfully patented, and the rest is history.

The question that remains then, is what fabulous inventions lay undiscovered in Jackson's home just waiting to be found? After all, it's almost expected that a musical genius like Jackson would have a few more secrets hidden up his shimmering, sequined sleeves.

I don't think anyone would argue with the claim that Michael Jackson is a lot like Thomas Edison. They were both geniuses in their own right, and while Edison had 1,092 more patents credited to his name, no one can say with certainty that Jackson didn't have a thousand or so himself on the verge of completion. If we think back on Jackson's amazing career as an entertainer and the unbelievable stunts he pulled throughout his life, it really is hard to miss.

I mean, come on, the "Thriller" music video? The complete racial transformation? If that's not hyper-accelerated gene therapy at work, I don't know what is. And how about the controversial "Blanket Incident"? Couldn't that have been the first real-world demonstration of Jackson's anti-gravity technology for children?

Implausible Invention #1: The FriendFinder3000

For the guy who's got everything except a mountain of women. Put on the FriendFinder3000 and watch the ladies pour in. WARNING: FriendFinder3000 is not a toy and once activated sex is almost always unavoidable.


Key:

A: High quality titanium helmet offering unparalleled support and comfort for the guy on the go. Breathing vents keep head cool even in the hottest of night clubs.

B: Industrial strength pointing arrow expertly indicates who has the big penis. Guaranteed not to point at anyone besides the wearer or your money back.

C: Commercial grade billboard featuring the words "BIG PENIS" displayed in flashing yellow lights. Flash rate can be set to either FAST, MEGA FAST, or SEIZURE. An optional brightness upgrade can be added to flood even the darkest corner of the room with migraine-inducing light.

D: Steel-reinforced counterweights give the FriendFinder3000 perfect balance even while breakdancing.

E: Rechargable Lithium-Ion battery that'll keep the FriendFinder3000 up and running at all hours of the night. No need to ever turn it off! Ever!

SMALL PRINT: FriendFinder Inc. is not responsible for any bodily harm or mental anguish stemming from inconsistencies between the FriendFinder3000 billboard message and actual penis size.