Platypus Surgery For Dummies

I've just completed the first ever platypus-drumstick fusion surgery in the history of modern medicine. I'm so sure this is going to change the face of medicine completely that I've already picked out my clothes for the Nobel Prize banquet and laid them out on my bed.

I wanted to share with you, my non-Nobel Prize winner friends, exactly what this complex surgery entails. I've provided some before and after photos too.

Subject/Victim: 1 Platypus, male or female, must be wearing shirt
Fancy Medical Tools Needed: 1 KFC Picnic Playset ($1 at Meadville Dollar General), 1 pointy needle and fried chicken colored thread ($1 at Meadville Dollar General), thumbtack or other poking thing that isn't the pointy needle



Step 1: Remove drumstick from KFC Picnic Playset. Feel free to discard chicken bucket, corn-on-the-cob, and napkin or give it to your roommate.

Step 2: Poke holes in drumstick, two on each side, at a distance of slightly less than the width of one regulation size platypus hand/fin with thumbtack or other poking thing that isn't the pointy needle.

Step 3: Thread pointy needle with fried chicken colored thread.

Step 4: Stab platypus hand/fin with threaded pointy needle going through the flesh, into the drumstick, out the other side, across to other drumstick hole on that side , back through the drumstick and flesh, and across to the starting point. Repeat until you're out of thread or it's lunchtime...whichever comes first.

Step 5: When you're satisfied with the threading quality or once you've finished lunch, tie off the fried chicken colored thread and make sure the drumstick is securely fastened to the platypus hand/fin. This can be done by grasping the drumstick and moving it to the platypus' mouth and seeing if the hand/fin comes with it, or by pulling gently on the hunk of fried meat as if to say, "Hey Mr. Platypus, I want that chicken so give it to me" and observing the same.

Step 6: Sit back and marvel at the quality of your handiwork. If you're really flexible (like if you could ever do that V-sit reach thing in P.E. and get a score of anything above -19) you could attempt to pat yourself on the back. If you're not flexible you can find someone who is and watch them pat themselves on the back and feel bad that you suck, or you could ask them to pat you on the back.

Step 7: Remember that you forgot to give the platypus any anesthetic.

And here's the finished product!