Sunday, September 25, 2005
For Unhappy Spouses Everywhere
I took this picture today near Conneaut Lake Park and I thought I'd share it with you.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Friday, September 23, 2005
Who You Are And Where You Belong
I miss the mutant food court.
I miss the homeless guy in the corner eating his club sandwich and stroking his thick, scratchy beard.
I miss the stairs and the way they creaked on the way down but not on the way up--perhaps a kind of alerting system for the mutants as to detect intruders.
I miss the table I always sat at and the cryptic poetry scribbled all over it in ink so thick that even after years of being there it still got on your arms.
I miss the little old lady at the juice bar that no one ever went to.
I miss the walls with the peeling paint, the floors with the deep, black scuffs, and the windows that looked out over nothing at all.
But most of all I miss the companionship. I miss the simple fact that none of us really belonged there. Despite the fact that we were all outsiders we always came back. Maybe we just wanted to see that the place was still there. Maybe we needed to know that there was somewhere in the world just for us. But maybe, just maybe, the reason we always came back was to see those we knew would always be there. To see the people who we might never have seen--who might never have existed--if we hadn't peered down into the darkness and decided to find out what was below. But we knew. We all knew. What we would find--what we all eventually found--was the one thing we always knew was there.
And I miss it.
I miss the homeless guy in the corner eating his club sandwich and stroking his thick, scratchy beard.
I miss the stairs and the way they creaked on the way down but not on the way up--perhaps a kind of alerting system for the mutants as to detect intruders.
I miss the table I always sat at and the cryptic poetry scribbled all over it in ink so thick that even after years of being there it still got on your arms.
I miss the little old lady at the juice bar that no one ever went to.
I miss the walls with the peeling paint, the floors with the deep, black scuffs, and the windows that looked out over nothing at all.
But most of all I miss the companionship. I miss the simple fact that none of us really belonged there. Despite the fact that we were all outsiders we always came back. Maybe we just wanted to see that the place was still there. Maybe we needed to know that there was somewhere in the world just for us. But maybe, just maybe, the reason we always came back was to see those we knew would always be there. To see the people who we might never have seen--who might never have existed--if we hadn't peered down into the darkness and decided to find out what was below. But we knew. We all knew. What we would find--what we all eventually found--was the one thing we always knew was there.
And I miss it.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Chocolate Milk = Love
My roommate won’t get me chocolate milk. He’s going to McKinley’s and he won’t get me chocolate milk even though I want some.
In other news, physics lab today blew. The whole thing was slightly interesting except for the fact that it wasn’t. I mean, getting to see that equipotential lines actually exist and aren’t just a figment of Dr. Petasis’ imagination was cool and all but I think I understood the concept after about q = +4.00 nC. By the way, nC is not a unit of time but I figure if Han Solo got away with saying a parsec was a unit of time I can work it like that too.
But today wasn’t completely bad. Jon, Sarah, and I spent ample time at the playground north of Crawford Hall after the fantastically awesome picnic in Brooks Circle. I rode on the purple dinosaur for a good portion of the time but split the remainder of my time evenly between the fire chief car and the airplane that looks like a whale. I also rode the swings for a bit but decided to get off when a family came to the park to have an outdoor meal (I would normally just say “picnic” instead of “outdoor meal” but I already used the word “picnic” once in this thing so another time might be slightly awkward). The family had a little boy and he was really good at golf. He had this big, blue, plastic golf club that I doubt was regulation size by PGA standards but I’ll let it slide.
I also learned today that the dopamine producing neurons in the substantia nigra that are killed resulting in Parkinson’s disease are destroyed by means of laser death ray. While this may seem far-fetched at first, when you really think about it it’s not that crazy of an idea.
Well that’s all I have to say at this point in time.
P.S. My roommate just got back from McKinley’s and he brought me chocolate milk!!!
In other news, physics lab today blew. The whole thing was slightly interesting except for the fact that it wasn’t. I mean, getting to see that equipotential lines actually exist and aren’t just a figment of Dr. Petasis’ imagination was cool and all but I think I understood the concept after about q = +4.00 nC. By the way, nC is not a unit of time but I figure if Han Solo got away with saying a parsec was a unit of time I can work it like that too.
But today wasn’t completely bad. Jon, Sarah, and I spent ample time at the playground north of Crawford Hall after the fantastically awesome picnic in Brooks Circle. I rode on the purple dinosaur for a good portion of the time but split the remainder of my time evenly between the fire chief car and the airplane that looks like a whale. I also rode the swings for a bit but decided to get off when a family came to the park to have an outdoor meal (I would normally just say “picnic” instead of “outdoor meal” but I already used the word “picnic” once in this thing so another time might be slightly awkward). The family had a little boy and he was really good at golf. He had this big, blue, plastic golf club that I doubt was regulation size by PGA standards but I’ll let it slide.
I also learned today that the dopamine producing neurons in the substantia nigra that are killed resulting in Parkinson’s disease are destroyed by means of laser death ray. While this may seem far-fetched at first, when you really think about it it’s not that crazy of an idea.
Well that’s all I have to say at this point in time.
P.S. My roommate just got back from McKinley’s and he brought me chocolate milk!!!
Friday, September 16, 2005
Run-in With The Man
I was throwing a lacrosse ball against the back of the Wise Center today and a security guy drove up in his van and told me to go somewhere else because there were windows around. I told him that after playing lacrosse for 12 years I think I know how to avoid windows but this only made him angry. He told me to go around to the parking lot side and throw the ball there but I told him that I couldn't because the bricks weren't smooth enough. Oh well, I still got about two hours of throwing in and it was a blast.
Also, at one point the ball hit a crack between bricks and the ball flew off into the ravine. I went down to retrieve it and it was very exciting. I got to jump across the water and everything. I felt like an Aztec or maybe a Mayan or Incan.
Tomorrow I'll go back and if the security guy comes by again I'll just run. Anyway, tomorrow is Wingfest and such.
Also, at one point the ball hit a crack between bricks and the ball flew off into the ravine. I went down to retrieve it and it was very exciting. I got to jump across the water and everything. I felt like an Aztec or maybe a Mayan or Incan.
Tomorrow I'll go back and if the security guy comes by again I'll just run. Anyway, tomorrow is Wingfest and such.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
I Think I'm Obsessed With Quiznos
I had a dream last night which wasn't really like a dream at all. All the dream was was a flashback of late August when I was at Quiznos. I naturally wanted the Mesquite Chicken sandwich but the guy behind the counter told me that people preferred the new Chicken Milano 10:1 compared to any other thing on the menu. Now that's pretty good for a sandwich so I took him up on his offer and got the Milano instead of the Mesquite. I sat down at the table with my root beer and took a bite. Long story short, I realized that the sandwich I had in front of me was horrendously bad and I longed for my Mesquite.
Needless to say, I woke up from the dream crying.
The dream also reminded me that on that same day I had gone to the driving range and hit the ball picker-upper guy with a nice lofting 9 iron. This in turn reminded me of the time back when I was about 15 and had hit the ball picker-upper guy and he had gotten really mad and came over and threatened to break all my clubs.
P.S. Today in lab we induced Parkinson's disease in a rat.
Needless to say, I woke up from the dream crying.
The dream also reminded me that on that same day I had gone to the driving range and hit the ball picker-upper guy with a nice lofting 9 iron. This in turn reminded me of the time back when I was about 15 and had hit the ball picker-upper guy and he had gotten really mad and came over and threatened to break all my clubs.
P.S. Today in lab we induced Parkinson's disease in a rat.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Einstein Ain't Got Nothin' on Shafiqur
Today in thermo Shafiq told the whole class that I made a goof on my quiz. It wasn’t like a—Hey, guess what? Rob is an imbecile.—but more of a—Hey, guess what? This may be the only time you have the opportunity to score better on a graded assignment than Rob.
And that’s what I like about ol’ Shafiq, he’s not afraid to proclaim the superiority of one student over another. In fact, he’s not shy about proclaiming anything. Such memorable quotes include:
"Physicists are better than Nazis."
And let’s not forget,
“As a physicist, you have a certain responsibility to society, due to the fact that you are better than everyone else.”
In fact, there are many memories that come to mind when I think back on my time with Shafiq.
I'd list some more but I'm lazy. In conclusion, Shafiq is totally sweet.
And that’s what I like about ol’ Shafiq, he’s not afraid to proclaim the superiority of one student over another. In fact, he’s not shy about proclaiming anything. Such memorable quotes include:
"Physicists are better than Nazis."
And let’s not forget,
“As a physicist, you have a certain responsibility to society, due to the fact that you are better than everyone else.”
In fact, there are many memories that come to mind when I think back on my time with Shafiq.
1. At our very first class Shafiq tells me that I should consider being a male cheerleader because I look strong and I could lift up all the girls. He asks the class if they agree.
2. Shafiq, seeing that my last name is foreign sounding, tells me in front of the class that he’ll go easy on taking points off for grammar and sentence structure on the first essay.
3. Shafiq comes into class on Halloween wearing a gorilla mask and asks for his treat.
4. Shafiq regails us with a tale about his childhood bb gun and how he shot a chicken with it against his mother’s wishes.
5. Shafiq tells us he’s having difficulty with his teenage daughter regarding clothes. He proceeds to have us list all the fashionable brand names on the board and asks if anyone in the class considers themselves stylish and would consider advising her on clothing decisions.
6. We learn about Shafiq's invention he came up with to give his sister an electric shock.
I'd list some more but I'm lazy. In conclusion, Shafiq is totally sweet.
Monday, September 05, 2005
The Eighth Plague Grandmaster
There are people outside my dorm room window sword fighting with foam weapons. One kid’s got a hockey stick, and while you’d think that would be unfair, it’s really not because everyone else has ganged up on him.
I’ve been playing a lot of chess lately. It’s computer chess. It comes with the Mac OS X operating system. It’s funny, Windows machines come with solitaire and other brainless games like pinball, but Apples come equipped with chess and chess alone. I really wish I could assert a correlation between the games that come with the operating system and the intelligence of those who use them but I can’t because I’ve met Roger Ebbs. Anyway, I’ve been playing a lot of chess lately and I’m really good at it. What usually happens is that I make a move, the computer takes my piece and I press the “undo” button so I can try another move. I keep doing this until I find a move that doesn’t allow the computer to take my piece and then go through the process again for my next move. Needless to say, I win a lot. I think I might graduate to playing biological organisms after a few more rounds of computer opponents. Maybe locusts. I think locusts would be the best insect chess players mostly due to the fact that they kicked so much ass in the Bible.
Anyway, that’s all I have to say for now.
I’ve been playing a lot of chess lately. It’s computer chess. It comes with the Mac OS X operating system. It’s funny, Windows machines come with solitaire and other brainless games like pinball, but Apples come equipped with chess and chess alone. I really wish I could assert a correlation between the games that come with the operating system and the intelligence of those who use them but I can’t because I’ve met Roger Ebbs. Anyway, I’ve been playing a lot of chess lately and I’m really good at it. What usually happens is that I make a move, the computer takes my piece and I press the “undo” button so I can try another move. I keep doing this until I find a move that doesn’t allow the computer to take my piece and then go through the process again for my next move. Needless to say, I win a lot. I think I might graduate to playing biological organisms after a few more rounds of computer opponents. Maybe locusts. I think locusts would be the best insect chess players mostly due to the fact that they kicked so much ass in the Bible.
Anyway, that’s all I have to say for now.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
"The Colors, Duke! The Colors!"
It didn’t rain at all today. It was nice.
The All College Celebration was yesterday and I didn’t go. I did, however, sneak over to the shindig at around 8:00 and swiped myself a few popsicles. They were those really good popsicles, you know, the ones that are long and cylindrical and have layers that are different colors and flavors. I’m pretty sure that they’re called “Lick-a-Color” and are made by Popsicle which is a subsidiary company of the Good Humor corporation. In fact, I’m not just “pretty sure,” I’m actually “completely confident” that this is true because I just finished researching it on the Internet.
The outside doors on my dorm are locked because there is nothing of interest here for non-residents such as a dining hall or super-fucking-sweet ping-pong table. We do have a ping-pong table but it is by no means super-fucking-sweet. We also have an air-hockey table but Vince lost the paddles last year and now we have to use our hands which tends to get painful. Sometimes we use ping-pong paddles instead, but that gets the ping-pong dudes kind of angry and I end up hiding behind the Pepsi machine, which used to be a Coke machine but was changed because Pepsi offered the college a better deal on soda which up here is called pop, in order to escape their wrath. Anyways, since the doors are locked, it’s very difficult for people who don’t live in this dorm to get access to the building. That is, unless somebody sticks a small twig in the outside doorframe by A-Tower which is often the case. So today I was in my room, which looks out over the hill leading up to B-Lounge, and I saw these two people trying to climb in the window. The first guy got in pretty easily because he was really scrawny. He also had a goatee. Have you ever noticed that a lot of little scrawny guys have goatees? Well, he got in fine but his girl friend which could quite possibly have been his girlfriend, was a different story. This girl was normal sized but she couldn’t quite get the hang of climbing in. She lay halfway through the window with her legs hanging outside for a little while and it appeared as if she was giving up. I, of course, didn’t want to see that happen so I opened the window to shout some encouragements and advice in her general direction.
“Pull with your arms!”
“Flail those legs!”
“Don’t give up!”
“Retrieve your purse!”
“Go! Go! Go! Go!”
“Stop, drop and roll!”
All in all I couldn’t quite understand why her friend couldn’t have just opened the door for her from the inside and bypassed the whole window struggle.
I had Sloppy Joes for lunch today and they were amazing.
The All College Celebration was yesterday and I didn’t go. I did, however, sneak over to the shindig at around 8:00 and swiped myself a few popsicles. They were those really good popsicles, you know, the ones that are long and cylindrical and have layers that are different colors and flavors. I’m pretty sure that they’re called “Lick-a-Color” and are made by Popsicle which is a subsidiary company of the Good Humor corporation. In fact, I’m not just “pretty sure,” I’m actually “completely confident” that this is true because I just finished researching it on the Internet.
The outside doors on my dorm are locked because there is nothing of interest here for non-residents such as a dining hall or super-fucking-sweet ping-pong table. We do have a ping-pong table but it is by no means super-fucking-sweet. We also have an air-hockey table but Vince lost the paddles last year and now we have to use our hands which tends to get painful. Sometimes we use ping-pong paddles instead, but that gets the ping-pong dudes kind of angry and I end up hiding behind the Pepsi machine, which used to be a Coke machine but was changed because Pepsi offered the college a better deal on soda which up here is called pop, in order to escape their wrath. Anyways, since the doors are locked, it’s very difficult for people who don’t live in this dorm to get access to the building. That is, unless somebody sticks a small twig in the outside doorframe by A-Tower which is often the case. So today I was in my room, which looks out over the hill leading up to B-Lounge, and I saw these two people trying to climb in the window. The first guy got in pretty easily because he was really scrawny. He also had a goatee. Have you ever noticed that a lot of little scrawny guys have goatees? Well, he got in fine but his girl friend which could quite possibly have been his girlfriend, was a different story. This girl was normal sized but she couldn’t quite get the hang of climbing in. She lay halfway through the window with her legs hanging outside for a little while and it appeared as if she was giving up. I, of course, didn’t want to see that happen so I opened the window to shout some encouragements and advice in her general direction.
“Pull with your arms!”
“Flail those legs!”
“Don’t give up!”
“Retrieve your purse!”
“Go! Go! Go! Go!”
“Stop, drop and roll!”
All in all I couldn’t quite understand why her friend couldn’t have just opened the door for her from the inside and bypassed the whole window struggle.
I had Sloppy Joes for lunch today and they were amazing.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
He's Packin' Heat
I am currently accessing the internet by piggybacking on the people next door's wireless connection. I feel like a spy. I haven't updated in a while because the beach happened and that is where I am now. Not much happening around here so this entry won't be too long.
Oh, before I left for the ol' seashore I went to this restaurant near my house to get carry-out. While I was waiting, this guy came in and he had this big-ass handgun on his hip and he was carrying two extra clips with him too. Can you believe that? It was so crazy. There was a waitress hanging out in the area where I was waiting because the people she was waiting on were jackasses and she didn't want to go back over there and so she saw him too. She gave me the "am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?" look which involves her eyes getting really large and her mouth sort of dropping open as well. You have to be careful not to confuse this look with the "holy shit, your dick is gigantic!" look, but I was able to successfully decipher it and realize which it was. I returned her look with the male response which is a small smirk and the quick and somewhat quiet pushing of air out of your nostrils while nodding your head in a yes motion in order to confirm her suspicions. I also added a wink somewhere in the whole thing just to mix it up a little.
It then dawned on me that I live in Virginia. Well, if you live where I live you wouldn't ever admit that. People in my area are always careful about how they describe where they live. It's never "Virginia." Sometimes it's "Northern Virginia" but most of the time it's "Washington, D.C. area" or just "Washington, D.C.".
It's funny, I live in the only county in Virginia that has ever gone to a Democrat in any major election. This, and the other things I experience on an everyday basis only help to solidify my belief that Northern Virginia needs to take a really big saw and cut itself off from the rest of the state.
Anyways, tomorrow I will most likely swim in the ocean.
Oh, before I left for the ol' seashore I went to this restaurant near my house to get carry-out. While I was waiting, this guy came in and he had this big-ass handgun on his hip and he was carrying two extra clips with him too. Can you believe that? It was so crazy. There was a waitress hanging out in the area where I was waiting because the people she was waiting on were jackasses and she didn't want to go back over there and so she saw him too. She gave me the "am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?" look which involves her eyes getting really large and her mouth sort of dropping open as well. You have to be careful not to confuse this look with the "holy shit, your dick is gigantic!" look, but I was able to successfully decipher it and realize which it was. I returned her look with the male response which is a small smirk and the quick and somewhat quiet pushing of air out of your nostrils while nodding your head in a yes motion in order to confirm her suspicions. I also added a wink somewhere in the whole thing just to mix it up a little.
It then dawned on me that I live in Virginia. Well, if you live where I live you wouldn't ever admit that. People in my area are always careful about how they describe where they live. It's never "Virginia." Sometimes it's "Northern Virginia" but most of the time it's "Washington, D.C. area" or just "Washington, D.C.".
It's funny, I live in the only county in Virginia that has ever gone to a Democrat in any major election. This, and the other things I experience on an everyday basis only help to solidify my belief that Northern Virginia needs to take a really big saw and cut itself off from the rest of the state.
Anyways, tomorrow I will most likely swim in the ocean.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
"And they shall go and live there, and he shall teach them the way..."
I climbed the Washington Monument today. Of course, when I say "climbed" I really mean "took the elevator up". Most people go up there because they're tourists and they want to see a really sweet view of the city from way up there but I went to the top merely to escape the heat (and this homeless lady who I swear was following me while licking her lips).
When I got to the top it was packed full of tourists with their cameras shoving each other around to get to a window so they could peer out. One window looks over the Reflecting Pool and the Lincoln Memorial and when I was over there I overheard this lady giving her son this really heartwarming description about why the Reflecting Pool is called the Reflecting Pool. She said all this stuff about how it's where you can go and think back on all the people who have given their lives in order to uphold our ideals and to ponder the nature of freedom and liberty and how all of this makes our country super-fantastic and all that. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have interjected but I did. I told the lady that what she was saying was very nice and I was glad she was teaching her son about our nation but that she was completely wrong about the Reflecting Pool because the reason it's called the Reflecting Pool is because it "reflects" the image of the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument like a mirror. She walked away sort of disappointed but I'm sure that inside she was glad I had straightened her out.
I enjoy helping people.
When I got to the top it was packed full of tourists with their cameras shoving each other around to get to a window so they could peer out. One window looks over the Reflecting Pool and the Lincoln Memorial and when I was over there I overheard this lady giving her son this really heartwarming description about why the Reflecting Pool is called the Reflecting Pool. She said all this stuff about how it's where you can go and think back on all the people who have given their lives in order to uphold our ideals and to ponder the nature of freedom and liberty and how all of this makes our country super-fantastic and all that. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have interjected but I did. I told the lady that what she was saying was very nice and I was glad she was teaching her son about our nation but that she was completely wrong about the Reflecting Pool because the reason it's called the Reflecting Pool is because it "reflects" the image of the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument like a mirror. She walked away sort of disappointed but I'm sure that inside she was glad I had straightened her out.
I enjoy helping people.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
My Roller Coaster Life With Buddha By My Side
Today I consumed the most succulent strip of beef you could ever hope to devour. It was so tender and juicy and the flavor was intense. I figure the experience closely resembles what it would be like to take a big bite out of Buddha's stomach. I don't think I'd ever make it as a Buddhist because I'd probably always be trying to marinate him in my mind and I don't think that would lead to enlightenment. At least it wouldn't be the shortest path.
Also, today I ran through my front yard with moths flying around me. I pretended to be their chief deity and waved my hands around and watched them fly in the directions I pointed. They probably did this because my flailing arms made air-vortexes that constantly sucked them up. I also shouted boasts like, "I am the porch light!" and other clever phrases.
Oh yeah, I played Mouse Trap today and I got to the end and turned the crank and watched the whole chain reaction thing go down but my friend moved her mouse out from under the spot where the net falls at the last minute and I said that was cheating but she just laughed. Her and I also like to replace the yellow bucket thing that the man dives into with a bowl of chicken noodle soup and pretend that he dies when he falls in because either the soup is hot or he gets strangled by a noodle.
All in all I think my life is reminiscent of when a roller coaster stops while upside down because somebody wasn't strapped in well and they fell out and died. It's kind of sad but also very thrilling because you can pretend you are more powerful than Batman. Also you are upside down which is exciting.
Bye bye.
Also, today I ran through my front yard with moths flying around me. I pretended to be their chief deity and waved my hands around and watched them fly in the directions I pointed. They probably did this because my flailing arms made air-vortexes that constantly sucked them up. I also shouted boasts like, "I am the porch light!" and other clever phrases.
Oh yeah, I played Mouse Trap today and I got to the end and turned the crank and watched the whole chain reaction thing go down but my friend moved her mouse out from under the spot where the net falls at the last minute and I said that was cheating but she just laughed. Her and I also like to replace the yellow bucket thing that the man dives into with a bowl of chicken noodle soup and pretend that he dies when he falls in because either the soup is hot or he gets strangled by a noodle.
All in all I think my life is reminiscent of when a roller coaster stops while upside down because somebody wasn't strapped in well and they fell out and died. It's kind of sad but also very thrilling because you can pretend you are more powerful than Batman. Also you are upside down which is exciting.
Bye bye.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
The Truth About Me and D.C., See?
Today is both my birthday and the last day of my internship downtown. They're taking me to lunch today for a goodbye/birthday meal and after that I'll start packing up my stuff and then head out for good.
I had a lot of great times. I know that I've shared some of them with you. Michael Douglas was a recent one. The mutant food court. These were the highlights, but they were not the norm. A lot of the days I didn't see famous celebrities and a lot of the days I went to Potbelly's instead of the food court I've spoken so fondly of. I think that unknowingly, maybe even unconsciously, I've been leading you on; I've been making you think my job has been something it isn't. For that, I'm really sorry and I hope we can still be good friends. It's only fair that I let you see what it was like on the days when there wasn't a bomb threat, and the guy on the corner by Farragut Park didn't have a sign that contained a clever, hobo quip aimed at George W. Bush that involved him being either a necromancer or a wolfman.
It's only fair that you know the truth--to know what it was really like.
I had a lot of great times. I know that I've shared some of them with you. Michael Douglas was a recent one. The mutant food court. These were the highlights, but they were not the norm. A lot of the days I didn't see famous celebrities and a lot of the days I went to Potbelly's instead of the food court I've spoken so fondly of. I think that unknowingly, maybe even unconsciously, I've been leading you on; I've been making you think my job has been something it isn't. For that, I'm really sorry and I hope we can still be good friends. It's only fair that I let you see what it was like on the days when there wasn't a bomb threat, and the guy on the corner by Farragut Park didn't have a sign that contained a clever, hobo quip aimed at George W. Bush that involved him being either a necromancer or a wolfman.
It's only fair that you know the truth--to know what it was really like.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Celebrity Scoop
Michael Douglas was definitely filming his upcoming movie "The Sentinel" just a block from my office. There were like a bajillion people crowded around to see and lots of cameras. It was all quite thrilling. I didn't see the big guy, but you can rest assured that for the rest of my life when the subject comes up I will shamelessly lie and claim that I did.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
The Return to Mutant Headquarters
I went back to the mutant lair today like I said I would in the previous entry on the subject and they still have not caught on to the fact that I am not of their world. My hair was slightly ruffled today and my shirt was orange with stripes so that may have been the helping hand I needed to ease their suspicions. Plus, I consciously tried to blink my eyes significantly more often than usual and this coupled with my constant outbursts of X-Men quotes every few minutes no doubt gave me the credibility I needed.
I decided to have lunch at the Subway which is located there, and since I was craving a meatball sub I ordered one up. Now I'm not up to date on mutant eating customs or traditions but I can say that I've been to non-mutant Subway's as well as the Subway website and I see nothing talking about differences between mutant and non-mutant franchises so I just assumed they were supposed to be identical. Of course, as I should have guessed, they aren't. In the surface-dweller world meatball subs involve meatballs in a tomato-type sauce that are placed on bread and most likely covered with cheese of some sort. While the mutant meatball sub is very similar, it differs in one area. Instead of using tomato sauce as a substance in which to bathe the meatballs, they use water. By the time I noticed the watery meatballs being placed on my roll by the mutant worker it was too late. Accepting my fate of having a waterball sub and knowing I was powerless to stop it, I willfully gave in and said yes when he asked me if I wanted "extra sauce."
The rest of the lunch was fine except for the excessive amount of ice they put in my root beer since mutants have not yet accepted self-serve soda machines as a necessary staple of everyday existence and thus I was at the cashier's mercy when it came to the root beer to ice ratio. I also noticed while eating that, along with the secret Metro entrance, there is also a secret elevator that goes up into the office building directly above the mutant food court. I saw numerous business people going in and out of these elevators (which required a swipe of your security card) and thus assumed that this was for mutants who wanted to try and assimilate into surface-dweller society while maintaining the safety and piece of mind that came from the "roots" these elevators effectively created with the old country or "mothership" as I colorfully refer to it.
Let us wish the mutants luck in their endeavors and hope that, when I find the time to return to their proud civilization, I will once again be greeted by a thriving and prosperous society and not by the rotting remains of a once grand empire brought down by giant rats that encroached upon the food court from the endless maze of Metro tunnels wherein it currently lies as an oasis of sophistication in a savage world.
I decided to have lunch at the Subway which is located there, and since I was craving a meatball sub I ordered one up. Now I'm not up to date on mutant eating customs or traditions but I can say that I've been to non-mutant Subway's as well as the Subway website and I see nothing talking about differences between mutant and non-mutant franchises so I just assumed they were supposed to be identical. Of course, as I should have guessed, they aren't. In the surface-dweller world meatball subs involve meatballs in a tomato-type sauce that are placed on bread and most likely covered with cheese of some sort. While the mutant meatball sub is very similar, it differs in one area. Instead of using tomato sauce as a substance in which to bathe the meatballs, they use water. By the time I noticed the watery meatballs being placed on my roll by the mutant worker it was too late. Accepting my fate of having a waterball sub and knowing I was powerless to stop it, I willfully gave in and said yes when he asked me if I wanted "extra sauce."
The rest of the lunch was fine except for the excessive amount of ice they put in my root beer since mutants have not yet accepted self-serve soda machines as a necessary staple of everyday existence and thus I was at the cashier's mercy when it came to the root beer to ice ratio. I also noticed while eating that, along with the secret Metro entrance, there is also a secret elevator that goes up into the office building directly above the mutant food court. I saw numerous business people going in and out of these elevators (which required a swipe of your security card) and thus assumed that this was for mutants who wanted to try and assimilate into surface-dweller society while maintaining the safety and piece of mind that came from the "roots" these elevators effectively created with the old country or "mothership" as I colorfully refer to it.
Let us wish the mutants luck in their endeavors and hope that, when I find the time to return to their proud civilization, I will once again be greeted by a thriving and prosperous society and not by the rotting remains of a once grand empire brought down by giant rats that encroached upon the food court from the endless maze of Metro tunnels wherein it currently lies as an oasis of sophistication in a savage world.
Implausible Invention #1: The FriendFinder3000
For the guy who's got everything except a mountain of women. Put on the FriendFinder3000 and watch the ladies pour in. WARNING: FriendFinder3000 is not a toy and once activated sex is almost always unavoidable.Key:
A: High quality titanium helmet offering unparalleled support and comfort for the guy on the go. Breathing vents keep head cool even in the hottest of night clubs.
B: Industrial strength pointing arrow expertly indicates who has the big penis. Guaranteed not to point at anyone besides the wearer or your money back.
C: Commercial grade billboard featuring the words "BIG PENIS" displayed in flashing yellow lights. Flash rate can be set to either FAST, MEGA FAST, or SEIZURE. An optional brightness upgrade can be added to flood even the darkest corner of the room with migraine-inducing light.
D: Steel-reinforced counterweights give the FriendFinder3000 perfect balance even while breakdancing.
E: Rechargable Lithium-Ion battery that'll keep the FriendFinder3000 up and running at all hours of the night. No need to ever turn it off! Ever!
SMALL PRINT: FriendFinder Inc. is not responsible for any bodily harm or mental anguish stemming from inconsistencies between the FriendFinder3000 billboard message and actual penis size.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Mutant Food Court
At lunch today I found an underground civilization of mutants. They were kind of like those mutant people who live in the old subway tunnels under the ground in Beneath the Planet of the Apes except that these guys had a Frank & Stein and a Chinese restaurant in their lair.
Anyways, I was heading to lunch thinking I would go to Potbelly's but the line was out the door. Not wanting to wait since it was 105 degrees I decided to head over to food-by-the-ton which is what I call this pay-by-the-pound food stop shop on the corner of Connecticut and L called the SOHO Cafe. The place is not at street-level so you have to go down these stairs to get to it which is really awesome. I got my orange chicken and lemonade and then paid for my food and headed over to find a seat. Of course there weren't any open tables since nobody wanted to sit outside today. I considered taking my food over to Farragut Square but then I remembered the homeless guy with the "Bush is a Necromancer" sign who lives there and thus I ruled out that idea. Leaving the restaurant to bring my food back to the office I noticed that the stairs went down further into the depths of the underground and so I decided to follow them. What I found was amazing. It was like a scuzzy cave that looked like it had once been a food court. There were still a few places to eat (I mentioned them at the beginning) but most of the establishments were long since abandoned and even the ones that were left were looking kind of shady.
The amazing thing was that there were all these empty tables and only a few other people around. The Hunchback of Notre Dame was there along with two of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Bebop, this guy with, like, six arms, and a family of four from Boston. It was a pretty eclectic bunch and I wondered what the various circumstances were that made these people decide to devote their lives to mutantdom. The place also had its own private entrance to the Farragut North Metro station right there in the cave so the inhabitants could seep out into the city and prowl around without having to see the light of day at all! Seriously, this place had everything you need to maintain a functioning society--people, napkin dispensers, and recessed lighting. I was so freakin' excited as I ate my food and knew that I needed to come back again later this week, that is, if they don't find out I'm a surface dweller.
What was extra awesome was that I couldn't seem to find any way for the store owners to close off their lair from the street so it was likely that you could go down there at any hour of the night and see all kinds of vampires and stuff. Of course they were bound to have some sort of security system in place that either consisted of the most vicious of the mutants acting as guards or possibly just a high-tech system of trip-wires and swinging smack-you-in-the-face-and-kill-you logs.
Needless to say, I walked back to work happy. I wonder if they worship a nuclear bomb?
Anyways, I was heading to lunch thinking I would go to Potbelly's but the line was out the door. Not wanting to wait since it was 105 degrees I decided to head over to food-by-the-ton which is what I call this pay-by-the-pound food stop shop on the corner of Connecticut and L called the SOHO Cafe. The place is not at street-level so you have to go down these stairs to get to it which is really awesome. I got my orange chicken and lemonade and then paid for my food and headed over to find a seat. Of course there weren't any open tables since nobody wanted to sit outside today. I considered taking my food over to Farragut Square but then I remembered the homeless guy with the "Bush is a Necromancer" sign who lives there and thus I ruled out that idea. Leaving the restaurant to bring my food back to the office I noticed that the stairs went down further into the depths of the underground and so I decided to follow them. What I found was amazing. It was like a scuzzy cave that looked like it had once been a food court. There were still a few places to eat (I mentioned them at the beginning) but most of the establishments were long since abandoned and even the ones that were left were looking kind of shady.
The amazing thing was that there were all these empty tables and only a few other people around. The Hunchback of Notre Dame was there along with two of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Bebop, this guy with, like, six arms, and a family of four from Boston. It was a pretty eclectic bunch and I wondered what the various circumstances were that made these people decide to devote their lives to mutantdom. The place also had its own private entrance to the Farragut North Metro station right there in the cave so the inhabitants could seep out into the city and prowl around without having to see the light of day at all! Seriously, this place had everything you need to maintain a functioning society--people, napkin dispensers, and recessed lighting. I was so freakin' excited as I ate my food and knew that I needed to come back again later this week, that is, if they don't find out I'm a surface dweller.
What was extra awesome was that I couldn't seem to find any way for the store owners to close off their lair from the street so it was likely that you could go down there at any hour of the night and see all kinds of vampires and stuff. Of course they were bound to have some sort of security system in place that either consisted of the most vicious of the mutants acting as guards or possibly just a high-tech system of trip-wires and swinging smack-you-in-the-face-and-kill-you logs.
Needless to say, I walked back to work happy. I wonder if they worship a nuclear bomb?
Metrorail vs. British Monarchy
It's almost disgusting how much the Queen of England and the people who drive Metro trains have in common. Here's a little taste of how I see it:
Metrorail Driver: sits in the front of the train and looks pretty.
Queen of England: sits in a chair and looks pretty.
Metrorail Driver: gives passengers the finger as he strolls by.
Queen of England: waves at the citizens as she strolls by.
Metrorail Driver: can't understand him because of thick "black man" accent.
Queen of England: can't understand her because of thick "British" accent.
Metrorail Driver: doesn't know what a crumpet is.
Queen of England: eats crumpets.
Metrorail Driver: only a figurehead. Giant computer at Metro Control has the power.
Queen of England: only a figurehead. Prime Minister has the power.
Metrorail Driver: crushes riders in doors because of incompetence.
Queen of England: Ireland
Metrorail Driver: hides behind tinted glass so you can't see/murder him and steal train.
Queen of England: hides in palace so you can't see/murder her and steal throne.
Metrorail Driver: is useless in every way.
Queen of England: is useless in every way.
Metrorail Driver: has a website: http://www.wmata.com/default.cfm
Queen of England: has a website: http://www.royal.gov.uk/output/Page1.asp
Metrorail Driver: probably never met Superman but probably met Batman.
Queen of England: probably never met Superman or Batman.
Metrorail Driver: stinks.
Queen of England: is stinking rich.
Metrorail Driver: drives the train down into the ground.
Queen of England: drives her country into the ground. (zing!)
Metrorail Driver: is not an astronaut.
Queen of England: is old.
Metrorail Driver: likes to hang out with his dawgs.
Queen of England: has fourteen dogs (according to royal website)
Metrorail Driver: eats a lot of refined sugars.
Queen of England: is refined.
So as you can see, the Queen of England and Metrorail drivers have a lot in common. Many people would disagree and say that the Queen of England isn't totally useless but they're just in denial. Sure, she has a fancy name, large, elaborate hats and a seemingly important and influential position, but in reality her life is a sham. She just sits there, smiles at people, and walks around a little bit. Sometimes she'll throw a medal at you if you did something special but when you get down to it, she is the most worthless, lazy, good-for-nothing, person in her entire country. I mean, think about it, nobody in her "royal bloodline" has had a real job in hundreds and hundreds of years.
Metrorail Driver: sits in the front of the train and looks pretty.
Queen of England: sits in a chair and looks pretty.
Metrorail Driver: gives passengers the finger as he strolls by.
Queen of England: waves at the citizens as she strolls by.
Metrorail Driver: can't understand him because of thick "black man" accent.
Queen of England: can't understand her because of thick "British" accent.
Metrorail Driver: doesn't know what a crumpet is.
Queen of England: eats crumpets.
Metrorail Driver: only a figurehead. Giant computer at Metro Control has the power.
Queen of England: only a figurehead. Prime Minister has the power.
Metrorail Driver: crushes riders in doors because of incompetence.
Queen of England: Ireland
Metrorail Driver: hides behind tinted glass so you can't see/murder him and steal train.
Queen of England: hides in palace so you can't see/murder her and steal throne.
Metrorail Driver: is useless in every way.
Queen of England: is useless in every way.
Metrorail Driver: has a website: http://www.wmata.com/default.cfm
Queen of England: has a website: http://www.royal.gov.uk/output/Page1.asp
Metrorail Driver: probably never met Superman but probably met Batman.
Queen of England: probably never met Superman or Batman.
Metrorail Driver: stinks.
Queen of England: is stinking rich.
Metrorail Driver: drives the train down into the ground.
Queen of England: drives her country into the ground. (zing!)
Metrorail Driver: is not an astronaut.
Queen of England: is old.
Metrorail Driver: likes to hang out with his dawgs.
Queen of England: has fourteen dogs (according to royal website)
Metrorail Driver: eats a lot of refined sugars.
Queen of England: is refined.
So as you can see, the Queen of England and Metrorail drivers have a lot in common. Many people would disagree and say that the Queen of England isn't totally useless but they're just in denial. Sure, she has a fancy name, large, elaborate hats and a seemingly important and influential position, but in reality her life is a sham. She just sits there, smiles at people, and walks around a little bit. Sometimes she'll throw a medal at you if you did something special but when you get down to it, she is the most worthless, lazy, good-for-nothing, person in her entire country. I mean, think about it, nobody in her "royal bloodline" has had a real job in hundreds and hundreds of years.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
