San Francisco: If You Were A Robot You'd Be Home

Dim Sum. It's Chinese and translates literally to "pushy waiters bringing you food you don't want to eat because it's a chicken foot." I partook in this "Dim Sum" today while in San Francisco and I must say it was traumatic to say the least. I refuse to think about what I may have unknowingly consumed.

There is this street in the city that is ridiculously crooked. It is probably the worst tourist attraction ever because it was created to be a tourist attraction and the only point of the road is to be a tourist attraction. I can imagine the thought process that led to the creation of this crooked street. Some guy in the San Francisco Bureau of Tourism thought one day, "Hmm, the Golden Gate Bridge is not enough of a reason for people to come to see our city. Perhaps we should create an exaggeratedly crooked street that has absolutely no purpose and is completely impractical and useless." I just don't understand why San Francisco didn't just do what any other self-respecting city would do if they wanted more visitors--bake the world's largest pizza.

In other news, I rode a cable car for the first time ever. I have come to realize that San Francisco is the closest thing this world has to a mechanical city because of the cables that constantly run beneath the streets. This of course, leads to the question of why there aren't that many robots in the city.

And what is the deal with the San Francisco homeless population? First off, I saw maybe three homeless dudes and that's pretty sad. You can't call yourself a real-deal city without an overflowing street-dweller population. And the hobos themselves, Jesus, it's almost as if the city puts actors on the streets who pretend to be homeless people and who make sure to appear happy as not to depress the people driving by. Honest to god, ALL the people on the street had signs that had some variation on the phrase:

Any little bit helps, even a great big smile.

They even drew a smiley face at the bottom. If that doesn't just make you throw up, then there's something seriously wrong with you. Where's the guy with the sign that says:

I'm tricking you into thinking I'll use the money you give me for food and clothing but I really just need to replenish my illicit drug supply and hire a prostitute.

Honesty is important...even when you sleep in a box.

Anamorphic Politicians Wear Holographic Sunglasses

Oakland International Airport smells like a mix between an old-folks home and an indoor swimming pool and I haven't the slightest idea why. Stranger even, is the fact that nobody notices it but me. I asked the man at the Sunglass Hut as I was browsing their selection of shades, none of which I would ever buy because sunglasses are a waste of time. It's common knowledge that the only good sunglasses are the ones I had as a kid that had a skull hologram on each lens. My friend had the same type of thing but instead of skulls he had fish. I asked the man working there if he had any of these and he said he didn't know what I was talking about but I suspect it's because he is a Pakistan man and everyone knows that Pakistan has yet to discover the power of the hologram. India has. But for some reason these two nations fight relentlessly which I suspect is quite a sight because I assume both countries fight while riding on elephants.

There are no elephants in North America. I can honestly say that this has many implications into all sorts of different areas of society. For example, if we had elephants, George Bush would not be president. You might think the opposite would be true since the symbol of the Republicans is an elephant, but think of it this way. I don't know why Republicans have the elephant and Democrats have that ass thing, but I assume it's because these are the animals that each political party can morph into in emergencies such as if the other political party gets too powerful and then use them to cleanse the world and start anew. Since this is undoubtedly the case, the presence of elephants would cause the Democrats to think that the Republicans had already morphed which would lead them to morph in response and the result would be the end of the world. Case closed.

What's important though, is how awesome it would be to live in an underwater retirement community. I would never have to bathe and my grandchildren would actually want to come visit me because they could swim.

They would want to bring their friends.

S-T-U-M-P-E-D

"The Man of the Stump" is what I call him.

He is Asian.

He is one with nature.

He does his homework while sitting on all that remains of a colossal tree that once grew near my dorm.

I don't know what Zen is but if I did then this guy would totally be Zen.

Today I saw him sitting while reading a calculus textbook. He was completely covered in squirrels. They were singing.

I hope that tomorrow he returns.

A Bear Does Not Care

Your mommy says that
you should share your toys fully,
with girls and some boys
though not so with a bully.

But that's 'cause you're human
and must be sophis',
but such is not true
in the dark wilderness.

If you were a cub
deep and snug in the woods,
and had the desire
to selfish your goods,
your momma would only
look down and be smiley,
there'd be no disgraced look
she'd be happy highly.

On no there'd be nothing
resembling a glare,
because simply speaking
a bear does not care.

A bear does not care?
A bear does not care.
Because simply speaking
a bear does not care.

Have you ever wanted
to eat someone's face?
To bite off a leg
just to place in a race?

I bet you your teacher said
that would be dreadful,
she scolded you, yeah man,
she gave you a head full.

But guess what my son?
See that beast by the lake?
If you were her son
you could eat legs like steak.

And why, you may ask
wouldn't that be unfair?
The answer is NO
'cause a bear does not care.

A bear does not care?
A bear does not care.
Because simply speaking
a bear does not care.