Puppy Love: Why You Should Beat Your Dog

Tonight is the first night of Fall Break and there are people swing dancing in the laundry room. The bathroom smells like hockey and there are gnats in all the closets. I am currently consuming the largest bag of Hot Tamales you can imagine and am enjoying it thoroughly.

But things aren't all sunshine and lollypops, considering it's currently post-dusk and I'm diabetic, so let me lay it down for you.

There's been a question on my mind for a while now, or rather, ever since I posted that last entry about one of my many run-ins with Mary Ann. The question is simple:

At what point in our life did we stop showing affection through blunt force trauma?

I know you know what I'm talking about because we all remember that guy or girl who had that certain way of showing they cared. What I'm not sure about is whether everyone's list is as extensive as mine. Here's an excerpt from my list (Pre-K through 6th grade) and each girl's preferred means of attack:

Lauren- quick, secretive jabs to the kidneys
Mary Ann- throwdowns, various object chucking, unwanted make-out sessions while her friends hold me down
Ashley- it's amazing how many body parts are irritated when covered in dirt
Kimberly- tripping
Stephanie- various physical assaults
Amelia- emotional abuse: calling and hanging up, gossiping
Sarah- arm punching
Amanda- secretive ankle kicks under the desk
Rebecca- throwing playground equipment (kickballs, etc.)
Kira- spitting, biting
Jennifer- tripping
Meg- various sneak attacks
Emily- accidentally bumping into me so hard I fall down
Victoria- sharpened pencils to the forearm
Samantha- super-soakers full of scalding hot water
Lindsey- hair pulling
Patty- horrible, horrible, insults
Kelly- she stapled my finger
Alicia- pinching, stepping on feet/hands
...and the list goes on.

Did I mention that I never observed these actions taken against anyone besides me?

Despite how horrible it sounds, I can't help but joyfully reminisce about how simple things were back then. Back then you knew how much a girl liked you by the number of bruises or bite marks you had on your arms. Back then if she punched you in the face you knew it was something real and not just lust. Back then if your crotch wasn't sore by the end of the day you probably wouldn't get a date to the dance.

But nowadays things are so much different. First of all, I'm expected to initiate when it comes to dating because I have a penis. When did that happen? That's backwards. Nowadays you never know what she thinks of you so you have to resort to complex mathematical algorithms that take into account the ratio of number of times she blinks per minute to number of times she touches her left cheek and multiply this value by the square root of the inverse of how many times she adjusts her shirt during class without playing with her hair and even then you're still in the dark because you have no idea how to interpret your found numerical value.

Seriously, and how is flirting useful? My friend instant messaged me a few weeks ago with a link to a website that claims that if you want to get the girl you have to lick your lips every time she looks at you. Are you serious? Is she the girl you want to start a relationship with or a steak and cheese sandwich?

I just don't get it. Does anyone really believe our methods of meeting that special someone improve with age? If you can explain how looking at someone until they turn towards you and then looking away really quickly so they don't catch you looking at them but you know they sort of saw you because you planned it that way and then repeating this over and over again is better than a choke hold behind the slide where the teacher can't see you, then by all means explain to me how.

I don't know about you, but I wish things had never changed. I want to walk into class this coming week and leave in an ambulance.

At least I'll know that after the reconstructive surgery I can call her from my hospital room and be confident that she'll want to go to the new Wallace and Gromit movie with me when I get out.