Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Hallelujah, It's Raining Tea

Medical school is dangerous.

No, I'm not talking about inadvertent needle sticks, patients with tuberculosis, homicidal drug seekers, or angry nurses. I'm talking about foosball. Yeah, foosball.

This afternoon after classes were over, three friends and I decided to get in a quick game of foosball like we often do before heading home for the day. My teammate and I were winning (as usual), when a giant insulated beverage dispenser fell off a ledge and plummeted down to the floor below where it violently came to rest next to the foosball table. Covered in iced tea and very confused, we slowly glanced up to see a caterer peering down in horror.

Luckily we were all okay, despite our unexpected yet surprisingly pleasant newfound lemony aroma. We cleaned off the foosball table and decided to call it a day.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Art of Bagel Theft

Before me stands a mountain of bagels so magnificently grand that God himself would be jealous of my handiwork. As the big man stares down from above with his mouth gaping and his sacred drool cascading gently down through the clouds, the villagers of a small Indian seaside town run in terror from the impending monsoon. The sesame seeds glisten in the light of a hundred gently swaying incandescent light bulbs, and the poppy seeds simultaneously snuff out the glow like tiny pinpoint black holes strewn across a universe of flour and sugar. There is an ovarian tumor on a large screen in the distance. I sit in class amongst the sound of scribbling pens and the soft scrape of highlighters across freshly photocopied notes still warm to the touch. I take a large bite and sit back in my chair to cherish the flavor of cool cream cheese and soft dough dancing around my taste buds. I look to my left and see a similar towering peak of taste. My friend gives me a thumbs-up as we both continue chewing.

Medical school is a time of discovery. Here we discover our strengths, but more often than that, we unwillingly unearth our greatest weakness. For many of us, that weakness is bagels. Is there anything on this earth so perfect? I don't claim to know who invented the bagel, and I refuse to believe Wikipedia when it says it was the Polish. I mean, come on, they've already got Chopin, so stop being greedy.

Anyway, regardless of who did or didn't invent the bagel, they remain a staple of any medical student's diet. Obtaining bagels, however, can prove difficult. Admittedly, there are many bagels in medical school, but finding them is the key. More often the not, the bagels in medical school are not for you. They are for somebody else. But much like the ninja of feudal Japan, as medical students we must utilize unorthodox methods of, shall we say, "warfare" in our struggle for bagels.

Last week there were bagels in the student activities center. They had been placed there for the first-year students who were taking a series of exams that week. We swooped in along the rafters and infiltrated the heck out of those bagels.

This week there were bagels for the fourth-year students as they learned important skills for their upcoming transition into residency. Using a slight diversion, we pounced upon those bagels like hundreds of parched wildebeest on a small puddle of muddy water.

The scene is always the same: In a matter of seconds we are upon them, and in a matter of long awkward minutes we are gone. Seriously though, it's hard to make a decent getaway with your pockets and arms full of bagels. But no matter -- we never fail.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Increase Traffic To Your Blog: The Incredible Secret Revealed!

I've had a revelation.

The Internet is swarming with new bloggers searching desperately for a way to increase traffic to their blog. They spend hours upon hours scouring through site after site trying to find the secret for opening the floodgates. The trouble is, there is no secret. They spend all this time, and for what? The only people who derive any benefit from this process are the owners of the "How To" blogs themselves.

And therein lies the secret!

If you want to increase traffic to your blog, create a blog about how to increase traffic to your blog. It can't fail!

If you decide to try, let me know how it works out.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Michael Jackson: Today's Thomas Edison?

In 1987 Michael Jackson invented anti-gravity, flying in the face of the scientific world. In 1993 his invention was successfully patented, and the rest is history.

The question that remains then, is what fabulous inventions lay undiscovered in Jackson's home just waiting to be found? After all, it's almost expected that a musical genius like Jackson would have a few more secrets hidden up his shimmering, sequined sleeves.

I don't think anyone would argue with the claim that Michael Jackson is a lot like Thomas Edison. They were both geniuses in their own right, and while Edison had 1,092 more patents credited to his name, no one can say with certainty that Jackson didn't have a thousand or so himself on the verge of completion. If we think back on Jackson's amazing career as an entertainer and the unbelievable stunts he pulled throughout his life, it really is hard to miss.

I mean, come on, the "Thriller" music video? The complete racial transformation? If that's not hyper-accelerated gene therapy at work, I don't know what is. And how about the controversial "Blanket Incident"? Couldn't that have been the first real-world demonstration of Jackson's anti-gravity technology for children?

Attention: Med School Applicants

Strictly speaking, this isn't a "medical blog." But sometimes I feel the need to talk about something medical. It's really not my fault; it's just what I do. If there are any medical school applicants that read this blog, this is for you.

You shouldn't feel the need to try and find "medical relevance" in your non-academic activities and hobbies. Doctors are humans and medical schools want humans to fill the slots in their entering class. Humans have hobbies and interests outside of their jobs. This is one of the main things that separates us from robots, and that's a good thing. Why? Because robots make terrible clinicians. Robots would more than likely make decent surgeons, but that's another topic entirely. The point is, medical school admissions committees know that robots make bad clinicians, so they welcome the chance to learn about your hobbies.

Bottom line: they know that you don't play poker, kayak, or play bingo because you think it'll make you a good anesthesiologist. They know it, I know it, and you know it. But that's OKAY.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Drugs and Man's Search For Answers

I have a translational research position this summer and I take the bus to the hospital. The ride is usually rather uneventful; I sit in my hard, scantly-padded seat and single-handedly increase diversity from 0% to some percentage greater than zero. I don't know the exact figure.

But this week was different.

I don't know how often the average person wonders about how intimidating they are to others, but I think about it fairly often. I think the reason I've never settled on an answer is because there are too many variables to consider. Through my extensive research on the topic however, I've narrowed it down to five questions you can ask yourself:

1. Are children afraid of me?
2. Do women approaching on the sidewalk cross the street when they see me?
3. Do dogs bark at me?
4. Do dolphins batter my underbelly with their snouts while I'm swimming?
5. Are people uncomfortable selling drugs in front of me?

The first four questions are easily answered by most social beings who've swam in the ocean at least a handful of times. The last, however, is harder for many people. Until recently, I was one of those people that only had answers to the first four questions. But as of today, I'm proud to say that I can answer them all.

Really this is just a long-winded attempt to elaborate on my recent experience being seated between two gentleman involved in a drug deal. It was more odd and unexpected than anything else, and there isn't much more to say on the matter. I'm sorry to have wasted your time.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Thank You, Harvey

Knowledge was your gift,
through patience unrelenting.
You have my respect.

September 2008 - May 2009

Friday, March 13, 2009

Medical Storage

We keep human brains in Tupperware. Their big cube-shaped containers happen to be the perfect size to hold an entire brain and sufficient preservative fluid to submerge it. I sometimes wonder if anyone in the design or marketing department ever considered this as a potential use for their product. I don't see anything about it on their website.

Sample product description with slight modifications:

Keep Extra-Large Produce Brains Extra-Fresh and Flavorful!

Say hello to the grandest member of the FridgeSmart® Container family! The Large Round's generous shape and size provides vent-controlled storage for whole heads of cabbage, lettuce, broccoli and cauliflower. The 20-cup (4.7 L) capacity - available in Sea Mist with permanent storage chart molded in - also offers ample room for large quantities of your favorite smaller pediatric fruits and vegetables brains. Seal in Sea Mist.
9"Dia. x 6 7/8"H (23 x 17 cm)

To store other fruits and vegetables organs use our unique Small, Medium Long orLarge FridgeSmart® containers.

Fruits and vegetables Brains have different airflow needs when stored in the fridge. View the FridgeSmart Storage Chart(Bilingual) to learn the best vent settings for your favorite fruits and vegetables brains.

Also, with the addition of the word "Tupperware" into my blogging vocabulary, I've successfully expanded my demographic to include housewives. I hear this subpopulation tends to include ravenous bloggers and blog readers. Starting today, this blog is going places.
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