Hallelujah, It's Raining Tea

Medical school is dangerous.

No, I'm not talking about inadvertent needle sticks, patients with tuberculosis, homicidal drug seekers, or angry nurses. I'm talking about foosball. Yeah, foosball.

This afternoon after classes were over, three friends and I decided to get in a quick game of foosball like we often do before heading home for the day. My teammate and I were winning (as usual), when a giant insulated beverage dispenser fell off a ledge and plummeted down to the floor below where it violently came to rest next to the foosball table. Covered in iced tea and very confused, we slowly glanced up to see a caterer peering down in horror.

Luckily we were all okay, despite our unexpected yet surprisingly pleasant newfound lemony aroma. We cleaned off the foosball table and decided to call it a day.

Just A Nobody Blogger's Way Of Stickin' It To The Man

Ladies and gentleman, history has been made tonight. If you will kindly look to your right you will see a little Rent My Blog box. If you know anything about renting blogs you probably know that more often than not this whole charade involves shitty little blog owners attempting to latch onto popular blogs in a futile attempt to gain more traffic to their pitiful little sites.

But not here, my friends! Oh no, in this case, the opposite is true. I, the owner of said shitty little blog, am renting my space out to this fantastically popular site called The Fifth Column.

So if you've got even an ounce of brains you'll visit The Fifth Column and help take down the Blogger Establishment one digital brick at a time.

P.S.
If you're not into the whole "social upheaval" sort of thing, you should visit these guys anyway because, honestly, their blog is funny as shit.

Fuck Flu!

All the students on campus received this email today from the college health center. I've excluded some of the boring stuff (read: practically all of it), and just left in the meat of the message:

"There is confirmed influenza on campus...It is important to note that influenza in the United States is not the same as the "avian flu" that you have read so much about in the news."

Yeah, that's good stuff.

New Nickname Needed

There's a question that's been bugging me for a few hours now:

How far do you have to be able to throw a pie for your friends to start calling you "Pie Cannon"?

Here's To You, My Favorite Cousin

Kate passed away this morning after battling her cancer for almost four months. Of all my cousins she was the one I was always closest to, not just because of our age, but because we were so much the same. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like without her. But I guess I need to think of what's best for Kate, and perhaps this is better than what she's had for the last few months. She celebrated her 20th birthday in the hospital. She woke up on Christmas in a hospital bed in her house barely able to move her arms or keep her eyes open. She didn't know that we spent the entire day by her side.

But anyway, she wouldn't have wanted this sob story. So in memoriam, here's a video clip of Kate stopping a shot like she doesn't even care.

She's Like A Wall
(It'll take a bit to load completely, so stick it out)

I'm An Officer, Officer

Me: "Son of a bitch."
Beth: "You're an antifeminist aren't you?"
Jon: "Huh."
Sarah: *giggling thing she does*
Laura: "Congratulations."

What do these quotes have in common? They're the reactions I got after people found out I'm the newest secretary of Alpha Phi Omega.

Whoop-dee-doo.

It's All Within Your Reach

I've always wanted platinum power. It's always sort of been a little dream for me, you know? Marry a girl I can almost beat in arm wrestling, settle down in a house with a yard that has some trees but not so many that raking in the fall is a pain in the ass, have some kids, clothe them, and obtain platinum power. It's not that much to ask, is it?

I don't know, everyone has their goals in life and you strive for this stuff and tell everyone you're gonna make it big but in some way or another you eventually find out it's not going to happen. So and so wants to be the next Charlton Heston. What's her name says she'll cure cancer. Joe Shmoe thinks this. Jane Doe thinks that. It never gets you anywhere and despite how we try to convince ourselves otherwise, on the inside we've always known we'll grow up to be just another person who will die without having done anything.

It's the same way with me and platinum power. It's this big deal thing that I'm always telling everyone about.

"Hey, did you know that someday I'll have platinum power?"
"Hi Susan. Golden Grahams for breakfast? No thanks, I've got platinum power."

But the more I think about it the more I know it's just a stupid pipe dream (minus the opium). It's one of those things I never want to think about. I walk through life with blinders on and I tell myself that platinum power is on the horizon but I keep on walking and the farther I go the more I realize that I'm never going to get there. I mean, it doesn't keep me up at night but it's always there in the back of my head.

When I feel like I should stop studying I tell myself that I'm doing it for the platinum power and I'm able to keep going. When I'm in class and I'm hungry I tell myself that later I'll have platinum power and I'll have all the food I could ever need.

So, I mean, maybe it's one of those impossibilities that helps you more in the long run than it hurts you. I like this idea but maybe it's just because it hurts so bad to think about throwing the dream away.

So it's not strange that I was so taken aback today when I reached into my mailbox and found a letter addressed to me which in large writing stated:

You are INVITED TO APPLY for
PLATINUM POWER

No annual fee
Platinum benefits

Was it a sign? Some sort of omen? Maybe it was simply a message, you know? A message letting me know that I shouldn't give up hope. I mean, maybe it was just what it looked like, a CapitalOne Platinum card, but I don't think so. What are the chances that CapitalOne knew about my platinum power dream? Can we really write this off as a mass mailing?

Anyway, I hope you guys take this to heart. Go after your dreams because no matter how impossible they may seem you never know what's going to happen.

Who knows, maybe someday you'll reach into your mailbox and pull out Charlton Heston.

Why Won't You Just Stop Nominating Me?

Why am I cursed with being the guy people always try to nominate for officer positions in clubs even when I have no interest in doing it?

Last night was the Chemii Thanksgiving Bash and yes, if that sounds like an event where a bunch of nerdy chemists get together to talk molecules and eat turkey, then you're right. Anyway, they were nominating officers and all of a sudden the girl in front of me turns around and says, "Hey, what's your name? I want to nominate you." Can you believe that? Why would she want to nominate someone she doesn't even know? Why must I be so likeable, popular, and an all around great guy?

The same thing happened with Lambda Sigma. There was this guy in front of me and I don't know how he knew my name but before I knew it he was nominating me for secretary. What are these people thinking? Do I have a sign on me that says "Please Nominate" or am I really just that awesome? Oh well, maybe I'll never know.

Live and learn, and then get Luvs.

I Eat Relationships For Sunday Brunch

My roommate tells me that this here blog ruins relationships. Supposedly there is proof that at least one couple has parted ways after having come across the link here from my Facebook profile. I'm not quite sure how I should feel about this.

I could provide a disclaimer. Maybe put up some of those "Enter" or "Leave" buttons like they have before you view porn sites. Not that I know anything about that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I caused you to say goodbye to that person you thought you'd be with forever.

I'm sorry if after viewing this site he admitted to sleeping with your sister.

I'm sorry that after relating to one of my entries she decided to move to Morocco and offer camel rides for a Euro to high schools students on a day trip from Spain.

I'm sorry that stumbling across this website caused her to eat a bowl of Alpha-Bits cereal and the letters spelled out the phrase, "Leave your boyfriend for a bowl of Maryland clam chowder" and after seeing this she did so and now she's married to the aforementioned clam chowder and they have two beautiful children named Sam and Maria and they live in the suburbs of Denver and ski on the weekends unless the in-laws are in town in which case they stay inside by the fire and talk about future plans and sip coffee and play board games like The Game of Life and the clam chowder gets to be the doctor but ends up living in the mobile home which is the place I always wanted to live in because even though it was really crappy it was cheap and the taxes were low and after all it's just a board game and you don't actually have to live in it so it doesn't make much of a difference.

I'm sorry that these scenarios keep getting more far-fetched and more rambling.

I guess what I'm trying to say, and don't take this the wrong way, is that I hope these entries ruin your life. I hope you drop out of college because I told you I had a hamburger for lunch. I hope I shape the very way you approach and view the world.

I hope I change you.

Weather Update

Ice is falling from the sky again.

Haircuts, Hail Storms And Other Words That Make This Title Alliteration

I got a haircut today and I must say it looks mighty fine. It looked even mightier fine before I got hailed on, though. I saw Josh Nolan and he was standing under a tree by Bentley to get away from the deadly chunks of ice. As I walked by him I told him that it didn't sting that excruciatingly bad and he just laughed. Also, I went to Reis Hall today to write down my comments on the preceptorship hospital visits and it's not even funny how much candy I swiped on my way out. Seriously, I now have more Starburst and Kit Kats than I know what to do with.

In other news, thermodynamics class is over. That means I'm done with classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday by noon. Isn't that magical? I should probably use that time to go to the gym or study but I'll probably just end up using it for napping and an excessive amount of video game playing. Of course, what this means is that I won't get to see Shafiq wear his gorilla mask to class for Halloween. If I'm lucky he'll have it on at Physics T today!

Finally, Jon (the roommate) has a new girlfriend. Her name is Brenda and she likes country music and is a feminist. I didn't want to tell Jon but I'm worried she might try to cut off his penis while he's sleeping. She's coming over for pumpkin carving tonight so I might confront her about it. You have to protect your roommate, you know?

Slurp.

I'm Staying Up 'Til Dawn Forever

I think I should be the Up 'Til Dawn coordinator now and forever more. My reason for such a claim is one-fold:

"Baddia J. Rashid is my great-uncle and he was the president of ALSAC from 1976-1992 as well as a close personal friend to Danny Thomas. He has a building at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital named after him."

That is all.

Now = dinner.

P.S. My uncle Bud's (that's what we called him) wife Yvonne made the greatest kibbe b'sounieh ever!

Milk Sniffin'

I'm a big fan of those times when you go to do something but in the process you end up doing something else and that something else results in a prize.

I went to the water fountain by B-Lounge today and in the kitchen were four girls--two Rachels and two unknowns. One of the Rachels, possibly Learned but maybe Keaton, spoke up and the ensuing conversation went something like this:

Rachel: Hey look, it's RA.

Me: Yep, that's me. (Takes sip from water fountain.)

Rachel: Can you smell this milk for me?

Me: Yeah, I'd be happy to. Just let me finish getting some water. (Takes another sip and then strolls into kitchen.)

Rachel: Does this smell funny to you? (Puts milk carton up to my nose.)

Me: Hmm...it does have a sort of odor. I can't be sure of it, though.

Rachel: Thanks. Have one of these freshly baked peanut butter cookies I have here.

Me: Really? Thanks. If you ever need anyone to sniff your milk again just let me know. I'd be happy to be of service. (Exits hallway left.)

In other news, until recently I thought it was perfectly normal that I had no idea what a Eugelnoid is. Apparently I was wrong.

Now I gotsta, gotsta, gotsta get to bed!

Chocolate Milk = Love

My roommate won’t get me chocolate milk. He’s going to McKinley’s and he won’t get me chocolate milk even though I want some.

In other news, physics lab today blew. The whole thing was slightly interesting except for the fact that it wasn’t. I mean, getting to see that equipotential lines actually exist and aren’t just a figment of Dr. Petasis’ imagination was cool and all but I think I understood the concept after about q = +4.00 nC. By the way, nC is not a unit of time but I figure if Han Solo got away with saying a parsec was a unit of time I can work it like that too.

But today wasn’t completely bad. Jon, Sarah, and I spent ample time at the playground north of Crawford Hall after the fantastically awesome picnic in Brooks Circle. I rode on the purple dinosaur for a good portion of the time but split the remainder of my time evenly between the fire chief car and the airplane that looks like a whale. I also rode the swings for a bit but decided to get off when a family came to the park to have an outdoor meal (I would normally just say “picnic” instead of “outdoor meal” but I already used the word “picnic” once in this thing so another time might be slightly awkward). The family had a little boy and he was really good at golf. He had this big, blue, plastic golf club that I doubt was regulation size by PGA standards but I’ll let it slide.

I also learned today that the dopamine producing neurons in the substantia nigra that are killed resulting in Parkinson’s disease are destroyed by means of laser death ray. While this may seem far-fetched at first, when you really think about it it’s not that crazy of an idea.

Well that’s all I have to say at this point in time.


P.S. My roommate just got back from McKinley’s and he brought me chocolate milk!!!

Run-in With The Man

I was throwing a lacrosse ball against the back of the Wise Center today and a security guy drove up in his van and told me to go somewhere else because there were windows around. I told him that after playing lacrosse for 12 years I think I know how to avoid windows but this only made him angry. He told me to go around to the parking lot side and throw the ball there but I told him that I couldn't because the bricks weren't smooth enough. Oh well, I still got about two hours of throwing in and it was a blast.

Also, at one point the ball hit a crack between bricks and the ball flew off into the ravine. I went down to retrieve it and it was very exciting. I got to jump across the water and everything. I felt like an Aztec or maybe a Mayan or Incan.

Tomorrow I'll go back and if the security guy comes by again I'll just run. Anyway, tomorrow is Wingfest and such.

I Think I'm Obsessed With Quiznos

I had a dream last night which wasn't really like a dream at all. All the dream was was a flashback of late August when I was at Quiznos. I naturally wanted the Mesquite Chicken sandwich but the guy behind the counter told me that people preferred the new Chicken Milano 10:1 compared to any other thing on the menu. Now that's pretty good for a sandwich so I took him up on his offer and got the Milano instead of the Mesquite. I sat down at the table with my root beer and took a bite. Long story short, I realized that the sandwich I had in front of me was horrendously bad and I longed for my Mesquite.

Needless to say, I woke up from the dream crying.

The dream also reminded me that on that same day I had gone to the driving range and hit the ball picker-upper guy with a nice lofting 9 iron. This in turn reminded me of the time back when I was about 15 and had hit the ball picker-upper guy and he had gotten really mad and came over and threatened to break all my clubs.

P.S. Today in lab we induced Parkinson's disease in a rat.

Einstein Ain't Got Nothin' on Shafiqur

Today in thermo Shafiq told the whole class that I made a goof on my quiz. It wasn’t like a—Hey, guess what? Rob is an imbecile.—but more of a—Hey, guess what? This may be the only time you have the opportunity to score better on a graded assignment than Rob.
And that’s what I like about ol’ Shafiq, he’s not afraid to proclaim the superiority of one student over another. In fact, he’s not shy about proclaiming anything. Such memorable quotes include:

"Physicists are better than Nazis."

And let’s not forget,

“As a physicist, you have a certain responsibility to society, due to the fact that you are better than everyone else.”

In fact, there are many memories that come to mind when I think back on my time with Shafiq.

1. At our very first class Shafiq tells me that I should consider being a male cheerleader because I look strong and I could lift up all the girls. He asks the class if they agree.

2. Shafiq, seeing that my last name is foreign sounding, tells me in front of the class that he’ll go easy on taking points off for grammar and sentence structure on the first essay.

3. Shafiq comes into class on Halloween wearing a gorilla mask and asks for his treat.

4. Shafiq regails us with a tale about his childhood bb gun and how he shot a chicken with it against his mother’s wishes.

5. Shafiq tells us he’s having difficulty with his teenage daughter regarding clothes. He proceeds to have us list all the fashionable brand names on the board and asks if anyone in the class considers themselves stylish and would consider advising her on clothing decisions.

6. We learn about Shafiq's invention he came up with to give his sister an electric shock.

I'd list some more but I'm lazy. In conclusion, Shafiq is totally sweet.

The Eighth Plague Grandmaster

There are people outside my dorm room window sword fighting with foam weapons. One kid’s got a hockey stick, and while you’d think that would be unfair, it’s really not because everyone else has ganged up on him.

I’ve been playing a lot of chess lately. It’s computer chess. It comes with the Mac OS X operating system. It’s funny, Windows machines come with solitaire and other brainless games like pinball, but Apples come equipped with chess and chess alone. I really wish I could assert a correlation between the games that come with the operating system and the intelligence of those who use them but I can’t because I’ve met Roger Ebbs. Anyway, I’ve been playing a lot of chess lately and I’m really good at it. What usually happens is that I make a move, the computer takes my piece and I press the “undo” button so I can try another move. I keep doing this until I find a move that doesn’t allow the computer to take my piece and then go through the process again for my next move. Needless to say, I win a lot. I think I might graduate to playing biological organisms after a few more rounds of computer opponents. Maybe locusts. I think locusts would be the best insect chess players mostly due to the fact that they kicked so much ass in the Bible.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say for now.

"The Colors, Duke! The Colors!"

It didn’t rain at all today. It was nice.

The All College Celebration was yesterday and I didn’t go. I did, however, sneak over to the shindig at around 8:00 and swiped myself a few popsicles. They were those really good popsicles, you know, the ones that are long and cylindrical and have layers that are different colors and flavors. I’m pretty sure that they’re called “Lick-a-Color” and are made by Popsicle which is a subsidiary company of the Good Humor corporation. In fact, I’m not just “pretty sure,” I’m actually “completely confident” that this is true because I just finished researching it on the Internet.

The outside doors on my dorm are locked because there is nothing of interest here for non-residents such as a dining hall or super-fucking-sweet ping-pong table. We do have a ping-pong table but it is by no means super-fucking-sweet. We also have an air-hockey table but Vince lost the paddles last year and now we have to use our hands which tends to get painful. Sometimes we use ping-pong paddles instead, but that gets the ping-pong dudes kind of angry and I end up hiding behind the Pepsi machine, which used to be a Coke machine but was changed because Pepsi offered the college a better deal on soda which up here is called pop, in order to escape their wrath. Anyways, since the doors are locked, it’s very difficult for people who don’t live in this dorm to get access to the building. That is, unless somebody sticks a small twig in the outside doorframe by A-Tower which is often the case. So today I was in my room, which looks out over the hill leading up to B-Lounge, and I saw these two people trying to climb in the window. The first guy got in pretty easily because he was really scrawny. He also had a goatee. Have you ever noticed that a lot of little scrawny guys have goatees? Well, he got in fine but his girl friend which could quite possibly have been his girlfriend, was a different story. This girl was normal sized but she couldn’t quite get the hang of climbing in. She lay halfway through the window with her legs hanging outside for a little while and it appeared as if she was giving up. I, of course, didn’t want to see that happen so I opened the window to shout some encouragements and advice in her general direction.

“Pull with your arms!”
“Flail those legs!”
“Don’t give up!”
“Retrieve your purse!”
“Go! Go! Go! Go!”
“Stop, drop and roll!”

All in all I couldn’t quite understand why her friend couldn’t have just opened the door for her from the inside and bypassed the whole window struggle.

I had Sloppy Joes for lunch today and they were amazing.

My Roller Coaster Life With Buddha By My Side

Today I consumed the most succulent strip of beef you could ever hope to devour. It was so tender and juicy and the flavor was intense. I figure the experience closely resembles what it would be like to take a big bite out of Buddha's stomach. I don't think I'd ever make it as a Buddhist because I'd probably always be trying to marinate him in my mind and I don't think that would lead to enlightenment. At least it wouldn't be the shortest path.

Also, today I ran through my front yard with moths flying around me. I pretended to be their chief deity and waved my hands around and watched them fly in the directions I pointed. They probably did this because my flailing arms made air-vortexes that constantly sucked them up. I also shouted boasts like, "I am the porch light!" and other clever phrases.

Oh yeah, I played Mouse Trap today and I got to the end and turned the crank and watched the whole chain reaction thing go down but my friend moved her mouse out from under the spot where the net falls at the last minute and I said that was cheating but she just laughed. Her and I also like to replace the yellow bucket thing that the man dives into with a bowl of chicken noodle soup and pretend that he dies when he falls in because either the soup is hot or he gets strangled by a noodle.

All in all I think my life is reminiscent of when a roller coaster stops while upside down because somebody wasn't strapped in well and they fell out and died. It's kind of sad but also very thrilling because you can pretend you are more powerful than Batman. Also you are upside down which is exciting.

Bye bye.