A few days ago the fighters returned (See The Eighth Plague Grandmaster). This time though, I was ready. I had my camera with me and was able to film a short clip of their savage battle squad. The film I made of the whole thing was so great, in fact, that Google Video decided they wanted it up on their site. As such, you can now view it anytime you wish. It's called Ravine Fighters, and it seriously is the breakout film of the year. It features the roommate, yours truly as the narrator, and Mighty Joe Young just to name a few.
Edit: This video is on YouTube too. You might as well just watch it below:
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
Now Serving Number 4703
The Chinese have just reached the year 4703, but frankly, I'm not impressed. If the Chinese are over 2000 years ahead of the rest of the world, tell me why they have yet to invent rocket boots? Is it because they're lazy? I'm embarrassed for the Chinese. I don't understand how a civilization can claim such supreme oldness and not have the technological advancements to back it up. For God's sake, it's the year 4703! Where's the goddamn DEATHSTAR!?
I ordered some Chinese food the other day and they brought it in those little white foldy buckets with the metal handle. Remember in Back to the Future 2 when Marty goes to his future house and they have that little pizza thing they put in the microwave and after they hit a button they open up the microwave and the little pizza had turned into a regular pizza? Why don't the Chinese have that? Plus, I looked out the window as the delivery dude was driving away and he was in a Toyota Tercel. You'd think that by the year 4703 the Chinese would have stopped buying Japanese cars and have their own Chinese brand jet-cars that fly on pure, unfiltered Communism.
If I were General Tso, I'd be turning in my delicious brown sauce filled grave.
#1 CHINA BUFFET!
I ordered some Chinese food the other day and they brought it in those little white foldy buckets with the metal handle. Remember in Back to the Future 2 when Marty goes to his future house and they have that little pizza thing they put in the microwave and after they hit a button they open up the microwave and the little pizza had turned into a regular pizza? Why don't the Chinese have that? Plus, I looked out the window as the delivery dude was driving away and he was in a Toyota Tercel. You'd think that by the year 4703 the Chinese would have stopped buying Japanese cars and have their own Chinese brand jet-cars that fly on pure, unfiltered Communism.
If I were General Tso, I'd be turning in my delicious brown sauce filled grave.
#1 CHINA BUFFET!
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Garbage Man, M.D.
I've always wanted to pitch an idea to a major television network. I've been rolling an idea for one in my mind for a while now (since sophomore year of high school, I think) and I believe it's turned out well. In my opinion, there are two things that make a great primetime drama. 1) A catchy theme song. 2) An amazing pilot episode.
Luckily, I just happen to have both. Now before I release these to the Internet I would like you to promise to not steal my ideas. Of course, I don't trust you so I am hereby invoking a REAL DEAL COPYRIGHT. Well let's get this thing going.
TITLE: Garbage Man, M.D.
THEME SONG:
He's a Garbage Man...
Who's also a Doctor Man.
He'll sew you up with used dental floss,
And fill your veins with used tomato sauce.
He's the Garbage Man...
Who's also a Doctor Man.
He'll ease your pain
With 10 CC's of cocaine,
He'll beat off the hobos eating your brain,
You'll become his biggest fan...
He's Garbage MAN!!!
M...D...
PILOT EPISODE (Runtime: Approx. 5 minutes):
[Garbage Man M.D. walks into the Mayor's office wearing the skin of a prostitute]
Mayor: What in god's name do you think you're doing, Garbage Man M.D.!?
GM: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm out on the streets saving goddamn lives!
Mayor: You're a garbage man!
GM: I'm a doctor first and I always will be!
Mayor: I don't give a flying fuck if you're a doctor or not! Your methods and tools are dangerous and I won't stand for it! You are a menace and you're endangering countless lives!
GM: I'm SAVING lives you fool! Why do you think I spend so much time in the sewers? It's not so I can bathe in feces, you know. I do it in order to collect the feces and inject it into my patients' bloodstream. Then, maybe, if there's any left I'll bathe in it, but that rarely ever happens!
Mayor: Are you listening to yourself? You're a psycho!
GM: Would a psycho have these? [pulls out a handful of pigeons coated in motor oil and lashed together with dental floss]
Mayor: I think it's safe to say yes. Plus, if you haven't noticed, your assistant is a mangy old dog.
GM: Watch what you say about my wife, asshole!
Mayor: I've had just about enough of this, Garbage Man M.D.. I want you to stop practicing street medicine and get back to your real job---picking up garbage.
[Garbage Man M.D. scowls and turns to leave. The Mayor takes a bite out of his ribblet sandwich and then quickly clutches his chest]
My God! I'm having a heart attack!
[Garbage Man M.D. looks back but just shakes his head and continues to walk]
Garbage Man M.D., please save me! I'm dying.
[Garbage Man M.D. stops but doesn't turn around]
GM: Save you like you saved my daughter?
Mayor: [gasping for breath] No, Garbage Man M.D., that was an accident! I tried to help her with that harpoon gun. I wanted her to grab onto it and have me pull her back to the boat, not have it rip through her face!
GM: Perhaps. But I guess we'll never know. Now please...just die. I have hobo abortions to perform. [straightening his prostitute skin jacket he steps from the room and out of view]
THE END, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Luckily, I just happen to have both. Now before I release these to the Internet I would like you to promise to not steal my ideas. Of course, I don't trust you so I am hereby invoking a REAL DEAL COPYRIGHT. Well let's get this thing going.
TITLE: Garbage Man, M.D.
THEME SONG:
He's a Garbage Man...
Who's also a Doctor Man.
He'll sew you up with used dental floss,
And fill your veins with used tomato sauce.
He's the Garbage Man...
Who's also a Doctor Man.
He'll ease your pain
With 10 CC's of cocaine,
He'll beat off the hobos eating your brain,
You'll become his biggest fan...
He's Garbage MAN!!!
M...D...
PILOT EPISODE (Runtime: Approx. 5 minutes):
[Garbage Man M.D. walks into the Mayor's office wearing the skin of a prostitute]
Mayor: What in god's name do you think you're doing, Garbage Man M.D.!?
GM: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm out on the streets saving goddamn lives!
Mayor: You're a garbage man!
GM: I'm a doctor first and I always will be!
Mayor: I don't give a flying fuck if you're a doctor or not! Your methods and tools are dangerous and I won't stand for it! You are a menace and you're endangering countless lives!
GM: I'm SAVING lives you fool! Why do you think I spend so much time in the sewers? It's not so I can bathe in feces, you know. I do it in order to collect the feces and inject it into my patients' bloodstream. Then, maybe, if there's any left I'll bathe in it, but that rarely ever happens!
Mayor: Are you listening to yourself? You're a psycho!
GM: Would a psycho have these? [pulls out a handful of pigeons coated in motor oil and lashed together with dental floss]
Mayor: I think it's safe to say yes. Plus, if you haven't noticed, your assistant is a mangy old dog.
GM: Watch what you say about my wife, asshole!
Mayor: I've had just about enough of this, Garbage Man M.D.. I want you to stop practicing street medicine and get back to your real job---picking up garbage.
[Garbage Man M.D. scowls and turns to leave. The Mayor takes a bite out of his ribblet sandwich and then quickly clutches his chest]
My God! I'm having a heart attack!
[Garbage Man M.D. looks back but just shakes his head and continues to walk]
Garbage Man M.D., please save me! I'm dying.
[Garbage Man M.D. stops but doesn't turn around]
GM: Save you like you saved my daughter?
Mayor: [gasping for breath] No, Garbage Man M.D., that was an accident! I tried to help her with that harpoon gun. I wanted her to grab onto it and have me pull her back to the boat, not have it rip through her face!
GM: Perhaps. But I guess we'll never know. Now please...just die. I have hobo abortions to perform. [straightening his prostitute skin jacket he steps from the room and out of view]
THE END, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Sorry! I've Been Promoted!
My reign as the Ultimate Sorry! Champion lives on after a grueling five game series last night. The evening began with Jon coming out to a 2-0 start, but I skillfully rebounded to pull off the overall win by sweeping the last three games.
I must say that Sorry! is quite the amazing board game. It combines the mystique of Parcheesi but succeeds in liberating it from it's Yahtzee-like dice rolling, while integrating the colorful magnificence and superficial apologies of say, Pop-o-matic Trouble, and the space-age translucent playing pieces reminiscent of, well, space.
Anyways, I am now a teaching assistant (TA) for the Physics Department for the second semester in a row and I must say I am quite excited. Last semester was spectacular but the mechanics labs that I led were a little dull. Professor KB was a good guy and I'm somewhat sad to see him go, but I realize I'm now going on to bigger and better things.
Yes, and so it is with great pride that I say goodbye to Introductory Physics I, and give a hearty hello to Introductory Physics II. So long mechanics, pleased to meet you electromagnetism and optics. Nice knowing you Professor KB, and let me introduce to you now, the greatest of all the physics professors at Allegheny College, and the man who will supervise the labs I run.....
Ph.D. from Dartmouth...
Enjoys nuclear physics and sprinkled doughnuts...
Walks with a limp...
Fan of homestarrunner.com...
Thinks I'm awesome...
You guessed it, it's DR. DAN WILLEY!!!
Well I'm too excited to write anything else so...
Rob out.
I must say that Sorry! is quite the amazing board game. It combines the mystique of Parcheesi but succeeds in liberating it from it's Yahtzee-like dice rolling, while integrating the colorful magnificence and superficial apologies of say, Pop-o-matic Trouble, and the space-age translucent playing pieces reminiscent of, well, space.
Anyways, I am now a teaching assistant (TA) for the Physics Department for the second semester in a row and I must say I am quite excited. Last semester was spectacular but the mechanics labs that I led were a little dull. Professor KB was a good guy and I'm somewhat sad to see him go, but I realize I'm now going on to bigger and better things.
Yes, and so it is with great pride that I say goodbye to Introductory Physics I, and give a hearty hello to Introductory Physics II. So long mechanics, pleased to meet you electromagnetism and optics. Nice knowing you Professor KB, and let me introduce to you now, the greatest of all the physics professors at Allegheny College, and the man who will supervise the labs I run.....
Ph.D. from Dartmouth...
Enjoys nuclear physics and sprinkled doughnuts...
Walks with a limp...
Fan of homestarrunner.com...
Thinks I'm awesome...
You guessed it, it's DR. DAN WILLEY!!!
Well I'm too excited to write anything else so...
Rob out.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Fast Times in Claim Area G
Most of yesterday was spent hiding in the corner of an abandoned baggage claim at Pittsburgh International Airport while watching episodes of The Simpsons on my laptop. I stopped briefly to pick up a $10 wrap from the refrigerated shelving unit at the Pennsylvania version of Au Bon Pan, which distinguishes itself from other Au Bon Pans because of the fact that the Pennsylvania version decided not to upgrade to the fully functional, working model of a restaurant. The actual sandwich making service was unavailable because of understaffing as well as because the ovens, breads, cheeses, and other essentials were all cardboard replicas of real items. Not unlike what you find in Ikea, where they furnish their office settings with plastic televisions and computers that are merely painted to look like their functional counterparts and which can be lifted easily without effort and tossed back and forth between good friends on a Saturday plagued by unexpected rainfall, boredom, and a lack of individuals who can come up with good activity ideas. These situations are usually free of mishaps but on the off chance you pick up a real computer used by employees and drop it due to the unexpected weight things can get a little messy, in which case (when it happened to me) I fled and skipped my usual $1 vanilla ice cream cone from the snack bar.
Nevertheless, the wrap was tasty enough and it was accompanied by a large blueberry yogurt made crunchy by the complimentary granola presented to me at time of payment. Uneventful, though, my lengthy stay at the Pitt'n'Port was not. My mysteriousness coupled with the fact that people often mistake me for an A-rab, which, when occurring, I kindly explain that their racial slur was perfectly valid because my family does in fact hail from Lebanon, caused me unwanted attention in the form of a security guard stationed in my vicinity and a strange "old woman" who asked me where the baggage claim to "retrieve lost sweaters" was located.
I had my bag searched again. I really think I should have been given a "Frequent Searchee" card by now but perhaps it was lost in the mail. They say that the searches are random but I've taken my fair share of logic and probability courses at both the high school and undergraduate level and I think that being searched 16 times out of 16 (that's in the past two years) is just slightly unheard of considering the vast number of people who travel by air in any given time period and the fact that none of my friends or family of friends have ever been searched.
Well, I have nothing more to say at this point in time. Perhaps at a later date I will return.
Ushapti
Nevertheless, the wrap was tasty enough and it was accompanied by a large blueberry yogurt made crunchy by the complimentary granola presented to me at time of payment. Uneventful, though, my lengthy stay at the Pitt'n'Port was not. My mysteriousness coupled with the fact that people often mistake me for an A-rab, which, when occurring, I kindly explain that their racial slur was perfectly valid because my family does in fact hail from Lebanon, caused me unwanted attention in the form of a security guard stationed in my vicinity and a strange "old woman" who asked me where the baggage claim to "retrieve lost sweaters" was located.
I had my bag searched again. I really think I should have been given a "Frequent Searchee" card by now but perhaps it was lost in the mail. They say that the searches are random but I've taken my fair share of logic and probability courses at both the high school and undergraduate level and I think that being searched 16 times out of 16 (that's in the past two years) is just slightly unheard of considering the vast number of people who travel by air in any given time period and the fact that none of my friends or family of friends have ever been searched.
Well, I have nothing more to say at this point in time. Perhaps at a later date I will return.
Ushapti
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