Neutralizing The Toxicity of Coherent Thought

I pride myself on writing blog entries that are insightful, ingenious, imaginative, and other fancy words that begin with the letter "I". There is hardly a doubt in my mind that this overwhelming dedication to sophisticated literary exposition is the paramount reason for the, on average, four unique hits my blog gets a week. But like most weavers of linguistic masterpieces, I often feel that my sheer level of prose, my, shall we say, grace of tongue, may sometimes alienate a few hopeful readers or, perhaps stated more eloquently, the sea of Internet dimwits. My greatest fear is that one of these lowly critters should happen upon my blog and, with pure glee, dive into an entry only to be sodomized by the big, black, penis that is "intelligent thought." But even now I have begun to waver in my mission to bring forward an entry that can be enjoyed by the masses by way of this high-brow anal sex analogy. It might be best to pause here as to gather my thoughts and continue with some topics more suited for monkeys and pop culture obsessed teenagers.

Popular Music

I thoroughly enjoy the Britney Spears song "Toxic," and though I'm most often ashamed to admit it, it is undeniably true. But perhaps I should expand on this idea. I don't like the words or the instruments or any other sounds or anything like that about the song. What I like is the music video for the song. But again, I must explain. I've never seen the real music video for the song and don't even know if there is one. What I have seen is a very funny video of a boy dancing around and whatnot to the song. The video is called Weird Kid Does Britney (Edit: you can't access this video anymore. Too bad for you.) and, if you decide to click on the link, just ignore all the hardcore porn advertisements in the margins and just watch the video and leave. This thing used to be all over the Internet but now this is the only site at which I can find it so....oh well. Perhaps, though, this is fortunate for me. Now if someone searches on Google for the phrase "hardcore porn" they may come across this blog entry and I will have succeeded in increasing the traffic to my site. Let me say that my favorite part about this particular video is when the boy brushes his hair. It's fantastic.

A "Like, oh my god, did that really happen to you?" Type of Story (Translated For Teens)

So, like, I was sitting at my desk reading this killer article on, like, deep sea fish and junk and Chuck totally just walks right up to me and is all up in my face telling me to do some sort of thing for this guy in the corner and he was using all these, like, sciencey words and stuff and I was, like, completely clueless as to what he was talking about but he finally, like, showed me and it turns out he totally wanted me to ultrasound some old guy's butt cheek. It was mega grody.

Unabashed Nudity

I got home from work today and, here it comes ladies, took off my pants and shirt and changed into some shorts and a t-shirt. I was probably naked for about twenty-six seconds.

So there it is, ladies and gentleman. Perhaps now I'll diversify my reader base and open up my blog to the entire world.

Until next time, folks.

Driving Is Fun

On my way to work today I drove by a Korean bakery and there were cop cars and fire trucks outside. I looked a bit closer and it was easy to see what all the hubub was about. Apparently, one of the customers drove their car through the front window of the store.

Maybe they're right when they say stereotypes are funny because they're based on fact.

Talking To Children

I'll be the first to admit that a lot of things in life intimidate me. I know, I know, it's probably hard to believe considering how arrogant I am in my blog entries but whether you believe me or not, it's true. I am at heart a very anxious person and I often find myself feeling very uncomfortable when faced with certain situations. But I told myself that I'd stop this introduction before it went downhill so far as to become a suicide note so let's just leave it at this and I'll just move it along.

A few days ago it was my cousin's third birthday and before everyone else arrived, she asked me if I wanted to go on a walk. I eagerly agreed because everyone knows there's no other adjective that can be used to modify the word "agreed" when dealing with small children. But similar to the way college grads entering the real world with big dreams and a glimmering outlook on life get kneed in the crotch by reality, my "eagerness" for this little walk was quickly crushed like a pair of testicles when I realized how amazingly awkward a walk with a three year old really is.

Nobody really knows how to talk to a three year old but nobody admits it. I spent the entire walk desperately trying to keep up a conversation with little success. I tried every child conversation opener in the book.

(walking around in an awkward silence)
Me: ...Boy...those leaves sure are big. You could probably wear one as a hat.
3-Year Old: ... ... ...
Me: ...Look at all those birds. I guess they must really like flying because...they're...always...flying.
3-Year Old: ... ... ... ... ...
Me: What's your favorite kind of bird? I like ostriches.
3-Year Old: ... ...
Me: Are you sure you're three?
3-Year Old: ......Yes.
Me: Oh...good. Just checking. Haha...that would be pretty funny if everyone thought you were three but you really weren't...haha...you'd have tricked everyone...funny, huh?
3-Year Old: Let's go back.
Me: Oh...okay...yeah...this was fun don't you think?
3-Year Old: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Also, I don't think I mentioned this but, my cousin is from China. She's adopted. They adopted her from China. She is Chinese. It's pretty noticeable and stuff, but I'm thinking that over time she may forget where she came from. One of my favorite restaurants is Panda Express ("It's finger Ling-Ling good!) because they serve drive-thru Chinese food and eating orange chicken in a Volvo stuck in rush hour traffic on the Capitol Beltway even though it's 11pm is just heavenly. There is no panda on the menu but pandas must have something to do with China so I was determined to ask my cousin about it if I ever take her there.

Just think, if I had a real life Chinese person in the car they might give me some sort of communist discount.

Death By Looney Tunes

I have one of those jobs that you've heard about on TV or in newspapers. You know, the kind where you need a brain. Basically my duties require intense concentration because my job description basically involves two things:

1. Attaching electrodes to people's bodies and administering a sort of mild shock therapy.
2. Performing ultrasound procedures in high risk areas such as on or around the spinal cord or major arteries.

Anyways, today I had to do the ultrasound thing on this lady's neck and while I was doing it up she started talking to me and she had this really thick Australian accent like that Crocodile Hunter guy if he was a girl. I was trying my hardest to focus on the task at hand because I really wasn't in the mood to kill some old lady if I accidentally ultrasounded her carotid artery and messed up the pacing of her heart. Despite my steadfast effort to concentrate though, my focus wavered and her voice triggered a scene in my head from an old Looney Tunes episode. It was the episode where Sylvester gets the world's biggest and meanest mouse in order to teach his son to be tough but when it arrives it's not a mouse but a kangaroo with boxing gloves.

So here I was, fighting off laughter and trying to keep my hand from shaking which would undoubtedly alert the lady that my attention was not on trying to maintain her position among the living. I managed to fend off the shaking but the thoughts in my mind were building. My thoughts branched out from the single image of Sylvester getting his ass beat by a huge mouse to the thought of whether things like this happen a lot to people who live in The Outback.

I mean, we laugh at the prospect of somebody getting kicked in the face by a marsupial but that's because we've never met a marsupial. But things are different for Aussies and zookeepers. They're faced with situations like this on a daily basis and it's probably not nearly as funny.

Australian big-wigs stepping out of Parliament for lunch and getting ambushed...
Schoolchildren getting trampled at the bus stop...
Brides and grooms massacred when one jumps out of their wedding cake...

It sounds funny but I did a simple Internet search for the phrase "bloodthirsty marsupials" and came up with an article telling me this:

"Steven Shorten, 13, suffered massive facial wounds and cuts to his abdomen, back and legs when [a] 150-cm (five feet) tall kangaroo grabbed and repeatedly jumped on him when he was looking for his [golf]ball in [the] bushes in October 1996."

I'll just leave you with that.

Just A Nobody Blogger's Way Of Stickin' It To The Man

Ladies and gentleman, history has been made tonight. If you will kindly look to your right you will see a little Rent My Blog box. If you know anything about renting blogs you probably know that more often than not this whole charade involves shitty little blog owners attempting to latch onto popular blogs in a futile attempt to gain more traffic to their pitiful little sites.

But not here, my friends! Oh no, in this case, the opposite is true. I, the owner of said shitty little blog, am renting my space out to this fantastically popular site called The Fifth Column.

So if you've got even an ounce of brains you'll visit The Fifth Column and help take down the Blogger Establishment one digital brick at a time.

P.S.
If you're not into the whole "social upheaval" sort of thing, you should visit these guys anyway because, honestly, their blog is funny as shit.