The Truth About Me and D.C., See?

Today is both my birthday and the last day of my internship downtown. They're taking me to lunch today for a goodbye/birthday meal and after that I'll start packing up my stuff and then head out for good.

I had a lot of great times. I know that I've shared some of them with you. Michael Douglas was a recent one. The mutant food court. These were the highlights, but they were not the norm. A lot of the days I didn't see famous celebrities and a lot of the days I went to Potbelly's instead of the food court I've spoken so fondly of. I think that unknowingly, maybe even unconsciously, I've been leading you on; I've been making you think my job has been something it isn't. For that, I'm really sorry and I hope we can still be good friends. It's only fair that I let you see what it was like on the days when there wasn't a bomb threat, and the guy on the corner by Farragut Park didn't have a sign that contained a clever, hobo quip aimed at George W. Bush that involved him being either a necromancer or a wolfman.

It's only fair that you know the truth--to know what it was really like.

Celebrity Scoop

Michael Douglas was definitely filming his upcoming movie "The Sentinel" just a block from my office. There were like a bajillion people crowded around to see and lots of cameras. It was all quite thrilling. I didn't see the big guy, but you can rest assured that for the rest of my life when the subject comes up I will shamelessly lie and claim that I did.

The Return to Mutant Headquarters

I went back to the mutant lair today like I said I would in the previous entry on the subject and they still have not caught on to the fact that I am not of their world. My hair was slightly ruffled today and my shirt was orange with stripes so that may have been the helping hand I needed to ease their suspicions. Plus, I consciously tried to blink my eyes significantly more often than usual and this coupled with my constant outbursts of X-Men quotes every few minutes no doubt gave me the credibility I needed.

I decided to have lunch at the Subway which is located there, and since I was craving a meatball sub I ordered one up. Now I'm not up to date on mutant eating customs or traditions but I can say that I've been to non-mutant Subway's as well as the Subway website and I see nothing talking about differences between mutant and non-mutant franchises so I just assumed they were supposed to be identical. Of course, as I should have guessed, they aren't. In the surface-dweller world meatball subs involve meatballs in a tomato-type sauce that are placed on bread and most likely covered with cheese of some sort. While the mutant meatball sub is very similar, it differs in one area. Instead of using tomato sauce as a substance in which to bathe the meatballs, they use water. By the time I noticed the watery meatballs being placed on my roll by the mutant worker it was too late. Accepting my fate of having a waterball sub and knowing I was powerless to stop it, I willfully gave in and said yes when he asked me if I wanted "extra sauce."

The rest of the lunch was fine except for the excessive amount of ice they put in my root beer since mutants have not yet accepted self-serve soda machines as a necessary staple of everyday existence and thus I was at the cashier's mercy when it came to the root beer to ice ratio. I also noticed while eating that, along with the secret Metro entrance, there is also a secret elevator that goes up into the office building directly above the mutant food court. I saw numerous business people going in and out of these elevators (which required a swipe of your security card) and thus assumed that this was for mutants who wanted to try and assimilate into surface-dweller society while maintaining the safety and piece of mind that came from the "roots" these elevators effectively created with the old country or "mothership" as I colorfully refer to it.

Let us wish the mutants luck in their endeavors and hope that, when I find the time to return to their proud civilization, I will once again be greeted by a thriving and prosperous society and not by the rotting remains of a once grand empire brought down by giant rats that encroached upon the food court from the endless maze of Metro tunnels wherein it currently lies as an oasis of sophistication in a savage world.

Implausible Invention #1: The FriendFinder3000

For the guy who's got everything except a mountain of women. Put on the FriendFinder3000 and watch the ladies pour in. WARNING: FriendFinder3000 is not a toy and once activated sex is almost always unavoidable.


Key:

A: High quality titanium helmet offering unparalleled support and comfort for the guy on the go. Breathing vents keep head cool even in the hottest of night clubs.

B: Industrial strength pointing arrow expertly indicates who has the big penis. Guaranteed not to point at anyone besides the wearer or your money back.

C: Commercial grade billboard featuring the words "BIG PENIS" displayed in flashing yellow lights. Flash rate can be set to either FAST, MEGA FAST, or SEIZURE. An optional brightness upgrade can be added to flood even the darkest corner of the room with migraine-inducing light.

D: Steel-reinforced counterweights give the FriendFinder3000 perfect balance even while breakdancing.

E: Rechargable Lithium-Ion battery that'll keep the FriendFinder3000 up and running at all hours of the night. No need to ever turn it off! Ever!

SMALL PRINT: FriendFinder Inc. is not responsible for any bodily harm or mental anguish stemming from inconsistencies between the FriendFinder3000 billboard message and actual penis size.

Mutant Food Court

At lunch today I found an underground civilization of mutants. They were kind of like those mutant people who live in the old subway tunnels under the ground in Beneath the Planet of the Apes except that these guys had a Frank & Stein and a Chinese restaurant in their lair.

Anyways, I was heading to lunch thinking I would go to Potbelly's but the line was out the door. Not wanting to wait since it was 105 degrees I decided to head over to food-by-the-ton which is what I call this pay-by-the-pound food stop shop on the corner of Connecticut and L called the SOHO Cafe. The place is not at street-level so you have to go down these stairs to get to it which is really awesome. I got my orange chicken and lemonade and then paid for my food and headed over to find a seat. Of course there weren't any open tables since nobody wanted to sit outside today. I considered taking my food over to Farragut Square but then I remembered the homeless guy with the "Bush is a Necromancer" sign who lives there and thus I ruled out that idea. Leaving the restaurant to bring my food back to the office I noticed that the stairs went down further into the depths of the underground and so I decided to follow them. What I found was amazing. It was like a scuzzy cave that looked like it had once been a food court. There were still a few places to eat (I mentioned them at the beginning) but most of the establishments were long since abandoned and even the ones that were left were looking kind of shady.

The amazing thing was that there were all these empty tables and only a few other people around. The Hunchback of Notre Dame was there along with two of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Bebop, this guy with, like, six arms, and a family of four from Boston. It was a pretty eclectic bunch and I wondered what the various circumstances were that made these people decide to devote their lives to mutantdom. The place also had its own private entrance to the Farragut North Metro station right there in the cave so the inhabitants could seep out into the city and prowl around without having to see the light of day at all! Seriously, this place had everything you need to maintain a functioning society--people, napkin dispensers, and recessed lighting. I was so freakin' excited as I ate my food and knew that I needed to come back again later this week, that is, if they don't find out I'm a surface dweller.

What was extra awesome was that I couldn't seem to find any way for the store owners to close off their lair from the street so it was likely that you could go down there at any hour of the night and see all kinds of vampires and stuff. Of course they were bound to have some sort of security system in place that either consisted of the most vicious of the mutants acting as guards or possibly just a high-tech system of trip-wires and swinging smack-you-in-the-face-and-kill-you logs.

Needless to say, I walked back to work happy. I wonder if they worship a nuclear bomb?

Metrorail vs. British Monarchy

It's almost disgusting how much the Queen of England and the people who drive Metro trains have in common. Here's a little taste of how I see it:

Metrorail Driver: sits in the front of the train and looks pretty.
Queen of England: sits in a chair and looks pretty.

Metrorail Driver: gives passengers the finger as he strolls by.
Queen of England: waves at the citizens as she strolls by.

Metrorail Driver: can't understand him because of thick "black man" accent.
Queen of England: can't understand her because of thick "British" accent.

Metrorail Driver: doesn't know what a crumpet is.
Queen of England: eats crumpets.

Metrorail Driver: only a figurehead. Giant computer at Metro Control has the power.
Queen of England: only a figurehead. Prime Minister has the power.

Metrorail Driver: crushes riders in doors because of incompetence.
Queen of England: Ireland

Metrorail Driver: hides behind tinted glass so you can't see/murder him and steal train.
Queen of England: hides in palace so you can't see/murder her and steal throne.

Metrorail Driver: is useless in every way.
Queen of England: is useless in every way.

Metrorail Driver: has a website: http://www.wmata.com/default.cfm
Queen of England: has a website: http://www.royal.gov.uk/output/Page1.asp

Metrorail Driver: probably never met Superman but probably met Batman.
Queen of England: probably never met Superman or Batman.

Metrorail Driver: stinks.
Queen of England: is stinking rich.

Metrorail Driver: drives the train down into the ground.
Queen of England: drives her country into the ground. (zing!)

Metrorail Driver: is not an astronaut.
Queen of England: is old.

Metrorail Driver: likes to hang out with his dawgs.
Queen of England: has fourteen dogs (according to royal website)

Metrorail Driver: eats a lot of refined sugars.
Queen of England: is refined.

So as you can see, the Queen of England and Metrorail drivers have a lot in common. Many people would disagree and say that the Queen of England isn't totally useless but they're just in denial. Sure, she has a fancy name, large, elaborate hats and a seemingly important and influential position, but in reality her life is a sham. She just sits there, smiles at people, and walks around a little bit. Sometimes she'll throw a medal at you if you did something special but when you get down to it, she is the most worthless, lazy, good-for-nothing, person in her entire country. I mean, think about it, nobody in her "royal bloodline" has had a real job in hundreds and hundreds of years.

Unwanted Guests

Quiznos Modeling Agency

This weekend was pretty uneventful. Xenogears happened. My computer decided to be a dick so I got back at him by stealing his soul which involved wiping his hard drive and reinstalling Tiger. I definitely showed him.

Some of us peoples went to Quiznos for lunch today because that Mesquite Chicken sub is so delectable but there was this lady there who made the whole visit a little less enjoyable. Basically, we wanted to sit on the barstools because barstools are fun but this lady, who thought she was a model or something by the way she was sitting and eating, decided to sit down in the middle of five barstools leaving two on either side of her. Of course, there were three of us so we were basically screwed. We walked back and forth behind her for a little while trying to give her subtle hints that she was being a bitch like saying, "Man I wish three people were two people so we could sit down at the bar here" and "Don't you just hate those people who sit down at the middle barstool which basically fucks any other group that might want to sit down?" Anyway, after a little while she had to go to the bathroom and make herself throw up so when she left we pushed her stuff over to the end and sat ourselves down and when she came back we just pretended not to see her. I mean, we're not assholes or anything, we just thought it was rude how she'd do that. I guess maybe she's just an idiot who didn't even know what she was doing but I doubt that. You have to be pretty smart to be a model these days. At least that's what my friends tell me. Previously I had thought it just took bulimia and the willingness to sleep with anyone and everyone. But I don't claim to be an expert on the subject. Of course maybe she wasn't even a model since I think models usually have like five boyfriends with them at any given time and all the boyfriends have really good hairstyles.

Disabilities

You see them everywhere, handicapped parking spaces at the mall, priority seating on trains, elevators, those "kneeling" buses, Kmart--every little thing we provide for people with disabilities. But I don't think people really understand the diverse nature of disabilities. There are disabilities that everyone knows about like having no legs, having no arms, or having no radiator fluid, but there are so many more that we don't even think about.

Having six watches on your arm is one of them. Can you imagine how heavy that would be? I guess it wouldn't be that heavy with those loser "athletic" watches that are made of plastic with bands made of rubber, but with real watches, the shiny ones made out of metal that have links you can take out to make it your size and a spinny ring thing with numbers on it with no apparent purpose but for twisting over and over again to hear that really sweet clicky sound it makes, that would really suck.

And what about the guy who is cursed to have to live without the ability to pour liquids from a pitcher? You know, the guy who tries to do it but the liquid doesn't cascade gently off the lip of the pitcher like an Olympic diver diving into a pool but instead somehow creates these really strong molecular bonds with the pitcher glass and instead of coming out nicely, the liquid sticks to the pitcher and spills down onto the table, his pants, or anywhere other than the cup he was aiming for.

That guy behind the counter who is just really bad at folding up the wrap you just ordered? It happens a lot at my college food court but it's undoubtedly apparent on a worldwide scale. He's that guy (the person is always male) who in the process of trying to roll it up, rips it, and when you eat it all the fillings fall out and the place doesn't have any napkins. I know that by the time I get what's left of my mangled wrap I want to put a bullet in his face and if that's not a disability for him then I don't know what is.

Parallel parking is difficult for many people but the little known disability involves the person who parallel parks perfectly the first time but every time they think they fucked it up so they go at it again and they never get it as well as they had it the first time.

These are real disabilities that we never even consider. We hand out handicapped license plates to old ladies who have to walk with canes, but what about the guy who was born with canes fused to his butt cheeks? What about that guy? We make ramps for people in wheelchairs but what about the guy who's got this really kick-ass wheelchair that can climb steps? How is he ever going to get the attention he deserves when there's never an opportunity for him to show of the nifty stair-climbing feature? It's stuff like this that just sickens me.

But what about the most horrible disability of all? I'm talking about lack of imagination. Picture what it would be like, if you will (or if you can). That army guy who has to get his legs amputated without any anesthetic because the anesthesiologist shot it all up the night before and so the surgeon just tells him to imagine a serene, painless scene in order to keep his mind off the excruciating pain? He's fucked. That kid from the Neverending Story that could save all of Fantasia if he just imagined all the things that had been eaten by the Nothing back again, like that big stone giant that kept saying "they look like big, strong hands, don't they?" Well, that stone guy would have been screwed and so would that princess that kept telling the kid to say her name. Are you getting this!? This is serious stuff we're talking about here.

Anyway, I just think the world needs to know that there's more to disabilities than most people think. Personally I think the guy in the first row who can never get his bag in the overhead storage bin on the airplane and so he holds up every other passenger while he tries to do it needs to be able to sit in the special "fuckhead" section more than an old lady with bad knees needs bars for her to grab onto in order to sit on the toilet.

But that's just me.

An Awkward Situation

Puff Puff

Today on the way to work I saw a homeless guy take someone's old cigarette out of an outdoor ashtray and start smoking it. It wasn't lit but when has that ever stopped anyone?

Also, one of his socks was ripped and he had an old Indiana Jones hat that I was jealous of.

The Joys of Metro Travel

Pros:

• Watching tourists desperately trying to figure out which train to get on or which stop to get off at.
• People giving me dirty looks on a crowded train because there's a newspaper on the empty seat next to me and they think I'm a jerk who won't move it because I don't want people sitting there when in reality the guy sitting there previously had just left it there and they could just come move it and sit down anytime.
• The look on people's faces as they realize that only half their group got on the train before the doors closed.
• Standing really close to the tracks as a train approaches and having it almost kill you as it thunders by.
• When the condensation from the air conditioning unit drips on other people.
• The lady who desperately tries to act like she's from the area by talking back to the doors when they say "doors closing" and who stands in the middle of the train not holding any of the handrails because she wants to prove that years of riding the Metro have given her superhuman balance but when all is said and done she gets off at Arlington Cemetery and falls on her face in the process as the train lurches to a stop thus blowing her cover.

Cons:

• Those idiots who stand still on the left side of the escalator and hold up the rest of us who know that the left side is for walking and the right side is for standing.
• The woman on the Metro who thinks you're looking at her when actually you're just watching the crazy homeless guy behind her talk to his reflection and thus she keeps tugging her blouse down and hiking her skirt up more and more thinking you want to have sex with her.
• The people who don't know how to use their farecards.
• Having your face crushed into the armpit of a large African-American woman on a crowded train.
• Standing next to that guy who keeps scratching at his crotch and most of the time his hand brushes your crotch on the way to his own.
• When the condensation from the air conditioning unit drips on you.

Welcome to 'Scarcely Hygienic'

Hello there. If you're here and reading this you probably clicked the wrong link, entered the wrong URL, or something like that. You were probably looking for some sort of dental hygienist porn or possibly just searching for a better antiperspirant. It's understandable considering the name of this here thingy so I don't blame you if you hit the back button now. Anyways, if on the off chance you're here because you want to be then I'll just say welcome and that I hope you enjoy yourself. There isn't much here yet, but there will be. Feel free to come back later and poke around if you want.