He's Packin' Heat

I am currently accessing the internet by piggybacking on the people next door's wireless connection. I feel like a spy. I haven't updated in a while because the beach happened and that is where I am now. Not much happening around here so this entry won't be too long.

Oh, before I left for the ol' seashore I went to this restaurant near my house to get carry-out. While I was waiting, this guy came in and he had this big-ass handgun on his hip and he was carrying two extra clips with him too. Can you believe that? It was so crazy. There was a waitress hanging out in the area where I was waiting because the people she was waiting on were jackasses and she didn't want to go back over there and so she saw him too. She gave me the "am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?" look which involves her eyes getting really large and her mouth sort of dropping open as well. You have to be careful not to confuse this look with the "holy shit, your dick is gigantic!" look, but I was able to successfully decipher it and realize which it was. I returned her look with the male response which is a small smirk and the quick and somewhat quiet pushing of air out of your nostrils while nodding your head in a yes motion in order to confirm her suspicions. I also added a wink somewhere in the whole thing just to mix it up a little.

It then dawned on me that I live in Virginia. Well, if you live where I live you wouldn't ever admit that. People in my area are always careful about how they describe where they live. It's never "Virginia." Sometimes it's "Northern Virginia" but most of the time it's "Washington, D.C. area" or just "Washington, D.C.".

It's funny, I live in the only county in Virginia that has ever gone to a Democrat in any major election. This, and the other things I experience on an everyday basis only help to solidify my belief that Northern Virginia needs to take a really big saw and cut itself off from the rest of the state.

Anyways, tomorrow I will most likely swim in the ocean.

"And they shall go and live there, and he shall teach them the way..."

I climbed the Washington Monument today. Of course, when I say "climbed" I really mean "took the elevator up". Most people go up there because they're tourists and they want to see a really sweet view of the city from way up there but I went to the top merely to escape the heat (and this homeless lady who I swear was following me while licking her lips).

When I got to the top it was packed full of tourists with their cameras shoving each other around to get to a window so they could peer out. One window looks over the Reflecting Pool and the Lincoln Memorial and when I was over there I overheard this lady giving her son this really heartwarming description about why the Reflecting Pool is called the Reflecting Pool. She said all this stuff about how it's where you can go and think back on all the people who have given their lives in order to uphold our ideals and to ponder the nature of freedom and liberty and how all of this makes our country super-fantastic and all that. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have interjected but I did. I told the lady that what she was saying was very nice and I was glad she was teaching her son about our nation but that she was completely wrong about the Reflecting Pool because the reason it's called the Reflecting Pool is because it "reflects" the image of the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument like a mirror. She walked away sort of disappointed but I'm sure that inside she was glad I had straightened her out.

I enjoy helping people.

My Roller Coaster Life With Buddha By My Side

Today I consumed the most succulent strip of beef you could ever hope to devour. It was so tender and juicy and the flavor was intense. I figure the experience closely resembles what it would be like to take a big bite out of Buddha's stomach. I don't think I'd ever make it as a Buddhist because I'd probably always be trying to marinate him in my mind and I don't think that would lead to enlightenment. At least it wouldn't be the shortest path.

Also, today I ran through my front yard with moths flying around me. I pretended to be their chief deity and waved my hands around and watched them fly in the directions I pointed. They probably did this because my flailing arms made air-vortexes that constantly sucked them up. I also shouted boasts like, "I am the porch light!" and other clever phrases.

Oh yeah, I played Mouse Trap today and I got to the end and turned the crank and watched the whole chain reaction thing go down but my friend moved her mouse out from under the spot where the net falls at the last minute and I said that was cheating but she just laughed. Her and I also like to replace the yellow bucket thing that the man dives into with a bowl of chicken noodle soup and pretend that he dies when he falls in because either the soup is hot or he gets strangled by a noodle.

All in all I think my life is reminiscent of when a roller coaster stops while upside down because somebody wasn't strapped in well and they fell out and died. It's kind of sad but also very thrilling because you can pretend you are more powerful than Batman. Also you are upside down which is exciting.

Bye bye.

Peer Pressure