Flashback Friday: The Joy Of Subpoenas (3/8/05)

I found out recently that I've been subpoenaed. Is that really the correct spelling? "Subpoena-ed"? Anyways, yeah, I'm not going to tell you why because it makes it more mysterious and I think it would be fun for people to try and guess what kind of super-cool criminal acts me and my homeboys have been committing against the helpless community. It's amazing how much your life changes when you've been subpoenaed. Since getting that piece of paper stating that I am COMMANDED to appear in court (it really says "commanded"), my social status has skyrocketed. Seriously, I just have to wave that little government document in the air and boom, instant access to all the the frat parties as well as dibs on first kick on loser beating day. Yeah, you heard me right, now I'M doing the beating. I don't even need to mention what this subpoena has done for my love life, but I will anyway. Before getting the subpoena my girlfriend was the fire-lady on the Samoas box (I named her Beatrice), but now I have more women than I know what to do with. I can't go anywhere without stepping on them because they all lay on the ground for me to walk on. It was sort of uncomfortable at first but now I've gotten used to the fleshy bounce that comes with each stride as I head to class. My roommate is so jealous and I think all the women I have is making him kind of angry. I've offered numerous times to lend him Beatrice for a few days, you know, to get through the lonely nights when I'm away with my sex mob (which is like every night, by the way) but he is too proud to give in. Besides all the attention I've been getting outside of classes, my academic situation has definitely improved as well. A good example was the other day in physics when we got our quizzes back. So Greeky McGreek (that's what I call my professor, his real name is Deep, and by my nickname for him you can see that he's Greek) handed me my quiz and I noticed that it did not say 20/20 on it but instead it said something like 18/20 or some crap like that. I wasn't going to take any of this so I went up to have a friendly word with Greeky. He said something like, "I took off two points because the velocity you found was off by at least a factor of 10,000..." but I wasn't listening. I whipped it out (the subpoena) and let him take a good, long look at it. By the time he got to the part that said I was "criminally awesome" he had already pulled out his pen and was changing the 18 to a 56. So yeah, people with subpoenas have power and that's a fact. So basically, if you want to ace college with a vengeance don't try to kill your roommate and say it was suicide or anything like that. The best thing to do is to get subpoenaed and leave the rest to your new best friend. Not to mention, you'll never be at a loss for companionship on those cold nights when your bed is feeling a little too big for just one person.